According to scientists, men know whether or not a woman has long-term
potential within a few minutes of meeting her. When I first heard that, I
felt a lot of pressure to perform on first dates. But then I realized
it’s not the woman who needs to come off well in that situation -- it’s
the guy. After all, if you think she’s awesome, you need to make sure
you can show her you’re awesome enough to go out with again. And while I
can’t make you dress well, smell better, or work out more often, I can tell you how to behave on a first date so that you score a second date.
7 Tips On Finding Love From The Bachelor Himself
If he [my dog] constantly growls at the person... I would have to give it some serious thought.
If anyone knows how to find love, it's Ben Flajnik, this season's bachelor on The Bachelor, the show all the women in your life are probably watching tonight (it's the final episode). He had to sort through 25 beautiful women to find the woman of his dreams. Here are seven ways, according to Ben, to figure out if the potential is there for real love.
If anyone knows how to find love, it's Ben Flajnik, this season's bachelor on The Bachelor, the show all the women in your life are probably watching tonight (it's the final episode). He had to sort through 25 beautiful women to find the woman of his dreams. Here are seven ways, according to Ben, to figure out if the potential is there for real love.
1. take them on an adrenaline date
"Obviously I can't close down streets in SF on a regular basis and take multiple women out at once, but I do feel that the interactions I have on these over the top dates are what's real. I may be on top of the Bay Bridge, but it's still just two people getting to know one another and going through experiences together. Any partner can plan an adrenaline date to really see how they can bond as a couple. It doesn't have to be climbing the Bay Bridge, but anyone can go bungee jumping or kayaking to get a thrill."2. Be open
"I think the most important thing is to be open to finding love. If you are open to it, and your intentions are pure, then it can work."3. Choose someone who has dealt with their hang-ups
"I do think that if someone hasn't dealt with their hang-ups or emotions effectively, it can hinder a relationship, but if you're willing to communicate with your partner and know what you want, it can work."4. Encourage communication
"For me, the clearest sign that a woman is in love with me is that she communicates with me and tells me how she feels and really listens to me when I tell her what I'm feeling. It can make or break a relationship."5. Your dog likes her
"Scotch [Ben's dog] likes everybody pretty much, so I don't know if I would use his judgment to make a life partner decision. If he constantly growls at the person, though, I would have to give it some serious thought."6. Choose someone who has life experience
"Divorce doesn't scare me off. It's a learning experience, especially if that person was young when they got married. I'm all about someone having life experience, as long as they've learned from it."7. Make Sure She's Not Using You
"I'm all for treating a woman, but not if I feel she's taking advantage of it. Fortunately, I haven't had to deal with that too much. Most of the women I've gone out with are pretty cool and are looking for [their] counterpart, not someone to take care of them in that way."How To Win An Argument With Your Girlfriend
Avoid this expression and any variation of it... at all costs.
You are going to get into it with your significant other every so often. It’s no fun for either party, but as a woman, I’m willing to concede that it’s even less fun for men. Why? Because women can express their emotions like it’s nobody’s business. And guys? Not so much.
And since we already have the upper hand, I thought it only fair to share a few tricks to help you emerge victorious from battle… or at least with fewer scars than usual.
You are going to get into it with your significant other every so often. It’s no fun for either party, but as a woman, I’m willing to concede that it’s even less fun for men. Why? Because women can express their emotions like it’s nobody’s business. And guys? Not so much.
And since we already have the upper hand, I thought it only fair to share a few tricks to help you emerge victorious from battle… or at least with fewer scars than usual.
Don’t Tell Her to “Relax”
There is nothing more inflammatory than the r-word. Especially when it’s flippantly thrown in the face of a woman who is already on her last good nerve. And since it’s impossible to rationally discuss an issue with a red-eyed, fire-breathing dragon (which is pretty much what I turn into whenever a guy says that word to me), I urge you to avoid this expression and any variation of it -- settle down, take it easy, etc. -- at all costs.Talk In the First Person
Instead of saying something like, “You don’t appreciate me,” try, “I feel like I’m not being heard when …” or “I don’t feel appreciated when …” It may seem like a small thing, but sentences that start with “I” sound much less accusatory than ones that start with “you.” And when your girlfriend doesn’t feel like she’s being verbally attacked, she’ll be more open to hearing what you have to say. And that may even lead to her apologizing. Maybe.Leave Your Friends’ Opinions Out of It
Every woman’s greatest fear in life, aside from dating an axe murderer and the possibility that her daily non-fat latte actually contains lard, is getting stuck with the “crazy” label. So even if all of your buddies think that she’s being totally ridiculous for expecting you to do something like text her while you’re hanging out with them, she doesn’t need to know they think she’s nuts. A) They’re your friends, so of course they’re going to have your back. B) Telling her will only make her feel awkward around the friends you name the next time she sees them. And C) It’s guaranteed to drag your argument into overtime -- and that severely damages your chances of coming out on top.Don’t Make Empty Threats
The United States of America does not respond kindly to threats, and neither does your girlfriend. So if you give her an ultimatum -- “Unfriend your ex and quit following him on Twitter or we’re so done” -- you better be prepared to follow through. Women are nasty mental ninjas who will call your bluff, which will either force you to follow through and leave, or back down with your balls in hand.Fib If You Need To
File this tip away, because if you don’t need it soon, you’ll definitely find use for it down the road. When a woman gives you the stink-eye and hisses, “You don’t even know what you did, do you?” Lie. Nod your head, and ask her if she wants to talk about it, or if she needs time to cool off. It’s like those “Need a moment?” Twix commercials -- she’ll be so caught off guard by your response that she’ll falter, giving you a few precious seconds to rack your brain, identify your offense, and get a stronger game plan in orderHow To Get A Second Date
We push eight-pound mini humans out of our vaginas; the least you can do is pay for some chicken and a couple glasses of wine.
According to scientists, men know whether or not a woman has long-term potential within a few minutes of meeting her. When I first heard that, I felt a lot of pressure to perform on first dates. But then I realized it’s not the woman who needs to come off well in that situation -- it’s the guy. After all, if you think she’s awesome, you need to make sure you can show her you’re awesome enough to go out with again. And while I can’t make you dress well, smell better, or work out more often, I can tell you how to behave on a first date so that you score a second date.
According to scientists, men know whether or not a woman has long-term potential within a few minutes of meeting her. When I first heard that, I felt a lot of pressure to perform on first dates. But then I realized it’s not the woman who needs to come off well in that situation -- it’s the guy. After all, if you think she’s awesome, you need to make sure you can show her you’re awesome enough to go out with again. And while I can’t make you dress well, smell better, or work out more often, I can tell you how to behave on a first date so that you score a second date.
1. Ask Her Questions
Women enjoy talking -- studies have shown we tend to communicate verbally more often than dudes -- so ask her questions about where she grew up, what her job is like, what sorts of hobbies she has, and what her favorite My Little Pony was. Women often naturally take on the role of an interviewer on dates, so you needn’t worry about it becoming a one-sided conversation; she’ll still ask you about how you got that cool scar on your chin. And then you can tell her all about the time you faced down a lion with nothing but a whip on a circus train hurtling through the desert when you were a teenager.2. Be Nice To Other People
We notice when you’re short with the waitress, or you only leave the bartender a measly $1 tip on a $25 bar tab… and then we assume you’re an undercover assh*le who’ll cheat on us with a stripper. Is that a little presumptuous? Yes. But this is how our minds work. Being needlessly rude to anyone on date No. 1 can easily sink your chances for date No. 2, so cover your bases and be nice and generous. (That’s good advice anytime, actually.)3. Pick Up The Tab
I know that going Dutch makes sense -- the economy stinks, she has a job just like you, you may not even know each other all that well -- but if you don’t at least make a sincere offer to pick up the tab, you very well may not get a second date. (Hey, we push eight-pound mini humans out of our vaginas; the least you can do is pay for some chicken and a couple glasses of wine.) When the bill comes, reach for it immediately and slide it toward you. If she offers to split it, politely but adamantly decline -- or suavely suggest that she buy you an after-dinner drink instead. However, if she nearly has an aneurism insisting over and over again that you split it, just let her; no one wants to have a screaming match over who’s paying, and besides, there’s a good chance she’s so insistent because she knows she doesn’t want a second date.4. Go In For A Kiss
Patti Stanger is the star of Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker, which I’m sure you already knew since you’re a huge fan of the show. Anyway, she has at least one piece of good advice: At the end of the night, if you don’t give your date a romantic smooch, you have severely increased your chances of landing in the dreaded friend zone. And guys in the friend zone don’t usually land date No. 2. I happen to think a vertical, fully-clothed make out sesh on someone’s couch is the way to go. But if your date isn’t as slutty as I am, go in for the kill after walking her to her car or front door.5. Follow The Two-Day Rule
If you make contact the very next day, you risk coming off as too eager. But by the third day of radio silence, she starts to think she’s never going to hear from you again, and then she starts to justify why she’s, like, totally OK with that: the slight gap between your teeth, the fact that you’re a loud breather, the fact that you wore sneakers on the date. Before you know it, her friends are telling her she can do better than you. (I know it sounds crazy, but again, this is just the way it works.) So I highly recommend following the two-day rule; get in touch with her no more and no less than a couple days after your first date. What should say? A simple “Thursday night was fun! Do you have plans next Friday?” will do just fine.Why Open Relationships Can Work
I loved the feeling that life was full of endless possibility, and that
on any given day I might have a threesome, or go home with a stranger
from a karaoke bar..."
What's the payoff to avoiding monogamy?
A NON-MONOGAMOUS LADY: Why don't we start by casting our minds far, far back to the world of monogamy?
A NON-MONOGAMOUS DUDE: Time travel!
ANML: Flashback!
ANMD: Wavy lines!
ANML: Why didn’t monogamy work for you?
ANMD: I liked monogamy! In retrospect, it’s comforting in that it is possible to not discuss a lot of complicated feelings about your relationship, and you can enjoy a comfortable, loving union whilst minimizing territorialness and jealousy.
ANML: "Comfortable" being the operative word.
ANMD: Yes. It's comfortable. Unfortunately, in my experience, comfortableness often becomes complacency. And as the relationship persists, it becomes unhappier by barely perceptible degrees, and I find myself becoming discontented -- though I’m not sure exactly why -- and I get to a point where I feel that my relationship is being held together by inertia alone. I take my partner for granted, I get taken for granted, and we’re doomed. I have a feeling that monogamy may play a substantial role in this degradation.
ANML: It may! Is it my turn now?
ANMD: Lay it on me, co-skipper.
ANML: My experience with long-term monogamy was similar to yours. I didn't hate being monogamous, and I didn't have a hard time staying faithful or anything. For me, it wasn't so much that I hated monogamy -- it was that I LOVED being single. It was a complete amazement to me, how much I loved being single.
ANMD: You had been in a relationship for a long time, so singledom must have been quite a revelation.
ANML: It was like night and day. I loved flirting. I loved one-night stands. I loved the feeling that life was full of endless possibility, and that on any given day I might have a threesome, or go home with a stranger from a karaoke bar, or hitch a ride on the back of a Vespa and then kiss the driver.
ANMD: (NB: All these things happened.)
ANML: I'm not a very adventurous person in most ways. I don't have much of a yen to travel. I get agoraphobia if there aren't enough buildings around. Extreme sports are anathema to me.
ANMD: But man -- X-treme sex?
ANML: That’s my adventure! I didn’t know it until I was single, but that’s what makes me feel alive and curious and engaged with the world. So I was incredibly happy with my life, with no intention of changing it. But then I met you.
ANMD: On the day of our meeting, an eagle dropped a snake on a rock in Washington Square Park. All sorts of portentous.
ANML: I agonized over it. Christ, I didn't want to be in a relationship again! But on the other hand, I was crazy about you and wanted to be with you every second!
ANMD: This was reciprocated. My situation was a bit different. When I started dating you I was just out of a long monogamous relationship, and I was not at all ready to dive into a similarly monogamous relationship immediately.
ANML: Non-monogamy was the obvious solution.
What's the payoff to avoiding monogamy?
A NON-MONOGAMOUS LADY: Why don't we start by casting our minds far, far back to the world of monogamy?
A NON-MONOGAMOUS DUDE: Time travel!
ANML: Flashback!
ANMD: Wavy lines!
ANML: Why didn’t monogamy work for you?
ANMD: I liked monogamy! In retrospect, it’s comforting in that it is possible to not discuss a lot of complicated feelings about your relationship, and you can enjoy a comfortable, loving union whilst minimizing territorialness and jealousy.
ANML: "Comfortable" being the operative word.
ANMD: Yes. It's comfortable. Unfortunately, in my experience, comfortableness often becomes complacency. And as the relationship persists, it becomes unhappier by barely perceptible degrees, and I find myself becoming discontented -- though I’m not sure exactly why -- and I get to a point where I feel that my relationship is being held together by inertia alone. I take my partner for granted, I get taken for granted, and we’re doomed. I have a feeling that monogamy may play a substantial role in this degradation.
ANML: It may! Is it my turn now?
ANMD: Lay it on me, co-skipper.
ANML: My experience with long-term monogamy was similar to yours. I didn't hate being monogamous, and I didn't have a hard time staying faithful or anything. For me, it wasn't so much that I hated monogamy -- it was that I LOVED being single. It was a complete amazement to me, how much I loved being single.
ANMD: You had been in a relationship for a long time, so singledom must have been quite a revelation.
ANML: It was like night and day. I loved flirting. I loved one-night stands. I loved the feeling that life was full of endless possibility, and that on any given day I might have a threesome, or go home with a stranger from a karaoke bar, or hitch a ride on the back of a Vespa and then kiss the driver.
ANMD: (NB: All these things happened.)
ANML: I'm not a very adventurous person in most ways. I don't have much of a yen to travel. I get agoraphobia if there aren't enough buildings around. Extreme sports are anathema to me.
ANMD: But man -- X-treme sex?
ANML: That’s my adventure! I didn’t know it until I was single, but that’s what makes me feel alive and curious and engaged with the world. So I was incredibly happy with my life, with no intention of changing it. But then I met you.
ANMD: On the day of our meeting, an eagle dropped a snake on a rock in Washington Square Park. All sorts of portentous.
ANML: I agonized over it. Christ, I didn't want to be in a relationship again! But on the other hand, I was crazy about you and wanted to be with you every second!
ANMD: This was reciprocated. My situation was a bit different. When I started dating you I was just out of a long monogamous relationship, and I was not at all ready to dive into a similarly monogamous relationship immediately.
ANML: Non-monogamy was the obvious solution.
Why Open Relationships Can Work 2
You know the way monogamous couples have sex after one of them returns
from a long trip away? That's how we have sex all the time.
ANMD: In an open relationship, not only are you not shackled by your partner, but also, excepting occasional emotional roadblocks and Feelings that need to be addressed, you're on your adventure with them!
ANML: And that makes it even better.
ANMD: It's so awesome. And the communication is amazing.
ANML: What?
ANMD: Ha.
ANML: Sorry. Go on.
ANMD: Only in this relationship do I realize how little I communicated, how emotionally closed I was with my previous partners.
ANML: Yes!! I look back on my previous relationships and I can't believe how uncommunicative I was. It's like I had taken a Vow of Silence about my feelings. The only thing that mattered was getting along, avoiding conflict, never being high-maintenance or, God forbid, needy.
ANMD: An open relationship is Communication Bootcamp. It can’t survive without free and frequent airing of feelings, so it forces you to talk, talk, talk.
ANML: Which is more fun than it sounds, I promise!
ANMD: Talking becomes easier and easier, and you become happier and happier with the solid emotional foundations you’re building with your partner.
ANML: It's the most incredible feeling, knowing that you can say anything and still be safe and loved.
ANMD: Tell me something crazy about yourself!
ANML: Okay! Then you tell me something you've never told anybody before! And then let's hold each other and make out!
[SUPER INTENSE CONVERSATION REDACTED]
[SUPER INTENSE MAKEOUTS REDACTED]
ANMD: I’m going to run out of secrets!
ANML: We should all have such problems.
ANMD: Shall we talk about Reclamation Sex?
ANML: Sure! You know the way monogamous couples have sex after one of them returns from a long trip away? That's how we have sex all the time.
ANMD: Seriously. It's ridiculous. The first time I ever saw someone outside the relationship, you were worried that Everything Would Be Ruined between us. Instead, it was electric -- I just couldn't resist you. I longed for the familiarity and the closeness we shared, but at the same time I wanted to frenziedly reaffirm my love. And it was awesome. It’s like make-up sex, but there wasn't a fight.
And it seems like that's the way it always is. I adore you. Nobody captivates me like you, and nobody can f*ck me like you can. I'm with you because I want to be with you, because you are the best for me.
ANML: It's really just a game, because we know that at the end of the day, no matter what we do with other people, we're always going to come home to each other.
ANMD: Yes. It’s wonderful.
ANML: We don't know how long it will last. We've talked about the possibility of eventually becoming monogamous, but neither of us feels ready. Maybe one day we'll decide that our adventure has changed and doesn't involve sex with other people anymore. But right now this is the adventure we're on, and I can speak only for myself, but it's the greatest adventure of my life.
ANMD: In an open relationship, not only are you not shackled by your partner, but also, excepting occasional emotional roadblocks and Feelings that need to be addressed, you're on your adventure with them!
ANML: And that makes it even better.
ANMD: It's so awesome. And the communication is amazing.
ANML: What?
ANMD: Ha.
ANML: Sorry. Go on.
ANMD: Only in this relationship do I realize how little I communicated, how emotionally closed I was with my previous partners.
ANML: Yes!! I look back on my previous relationships and I can't believe how uncommunicative I was. It's like I had taken a Vow of Silence about my feelings. The only thing that mattered was getting along, avoiding conflict, never being high-maintenance or, God forbid, needy.
ANMD: An open relationship is Communication Bootcamp. It can’t survive without free and frequent airing of feelings, so it forces you to talk, talk, talk.
ANML: Which is more fun than it sounds, I promise!
ANMD: Talking becomes easier and easier, and you become happier and happier with the solid emotional foundations you’re building with your partner.
ANML: It's the most incredible feeling, knowing that you can say anything and still be safe and loved.
ANMD: Tell me something crazy about yourself!
ANML: Okay! Then you tell me something you've never told anybody before! And then let's hold each other and make out!
[SUPER INTENSE CONVERSATION REDACTED]
[SUPER INTENSE MAKEOUTS REDACTED]
ANMD: I’m going to run out of secrets!
ANML: We should all have such problems.
ANMD: Shall we talk about Reclamation Sex?
ANML: Sure! You know the way monogamous couples have sex after one of them returns from a long trip away? That's how we have sex all the time.
ANMD: Seriously. It's ridiculous. The first time I ever saw someone outside the relationship, you were worried that Everything Would Be Ruined between us. Instead, it was electric -- I just couldn't resist you. I longed for the familiarity and the closeness we shared, but at the same time I wanted to frenziedly reaffirm my love. And it was awesome. It’s like make-up sex, but there wasn't a fight.
And it seems like that's the way it always is. I adore you. Nobody captivates me like you, and nobody can f*ck me like you can. I'm with you because I want to be with you, because you are the best for me.
ANML: It's really just a game, because we know that at the end of the day, no matter what we do with other people, we're always going to come home to each other.
ANMD: Yes. It’s wonderful.
ANML: We don't know how long it will last. We've talked about the possibility of eventually becoming monogamous, but neither of us feels ready. Maybe one day we'll decide that our adventure has changed and doesn't involve sex with other people anymore. But right now this is the adventure we're on, and I can speak only for myself, but it's the greatest adventure of my life.
Can You Be In A Relationship And Still Be A Party Animal?
Is it possible to sniff cocaine off a stripper's nipple and then have a quiz night with red wine just 24 hours later?
It's Friday night, and you've been invited to dinner with your girlfriend's besties (yup, women actually say "besties") for a night that has been promised to be chaotic, mental and wild. There's one other couple in the group, but they leave as soon as post-dinner drinks are mentioned.
But you're not like them, are you? It's payday and you're looking to get messy, so you get a round of shots for the group. Even though they seem to appreciate the move, not one person has left their seat all night, as the crammed dance floor heaves with excitement. At 12:30 a.m., your girlfriend asks you to leave with her, a request that is paired with a hint of a sexual favor. You leave, get a kebab and before you can even say the words “broken promises,” she's asleep and you're not.
But can you live both lives without compensating? Is it possible to sniff cocaine off a stripper’s nipple and then have a quiz night with red wine just 24 hours later? Absolutely not. But it's quite easy to enjoy a loving relationship that doesn't have a curfew.
Another thing that needs to be controlled is being sneaky. Being sneaky is never fun, always ends in a fight and puts you at constant unease. It's important that, from day one, you set a precedent for the rest of your relationship. Meaning, don't be a dick and ensure that, in terms of your sex life, you lock that away firmly in your girlfriend's closet and leave it there. Don't text other girls you've been with, don't tempt yourself into a Facebook message exchange with someone you would happily do the no-pants dance with and leave the sex chat at home.
This may seem irrelevant and a bit extreme, but what you don't realize is that when you're out with your friends, you're in your comfort zone -- a place where nothing bothers you, and all that is on your mind is fun. The last thing you want in these situations is the addition of an ingredient that could tense you up and cut the night short. If you open up your life to someone intimately (stay with me, fellas), then you should be happy to open the social doors of your life, too.
It's Friday night, and you've been invited to dinner with your girlfriend's besties (yup, women actually say "besties") for a night that has been promised to be chaotic, mental and wild. There's one other couple in the group, but they leave as soon as post-dinner drinks are mentioned.
But you're not like them, are you? It's payday and you're looking to get messy, so you get a round of shots for the group. Even though they seem to appreciate the move, not one person has left their seat all night, as the crammed dance floor heaves with excitement. At 12:30 a.m., your girlfriend asks you to leave with her, a request that is paired with a hint of a sexual favor. You leave, get a kebab and before you can even say the words “broken promises,” she's asleep and you're not.
You're Not Single Anymore
Just three months ago, you were stumbling home at 5:00 a.m. through the town center, feeling half-human, freezing your balls off with two friends who were teasing you about your lack of sexual success that night. What would that person say if he knew that, just a couple of months from now, he would be saying goodbye to post-2:00 a.m. life? That's right, he'd kill himself.But can you live both lives without compensating? Is it possible to sniff cocaine off a stripper’s nipple and then have a quiz night with red wine just 24 hours later? Absolutely not. But it's quite easy to enjoy a loving relationship that doesn't have a curfew.
How To Balance Partying And Girlfriends
The first step is realizing that the reason this hasn't happened before is completely your fault. In our own minds, we tend to think that we're at least 16 times cooler than we actually are and 50 times wilder. We think that our nights out on the town replicate what happens when you mix The Hangover, any of Jay-Z's videos and Charlie Sheen. In fact, what we actually do is drink rubbish lager, perv over the bar staff, dry hump a random girl and masturbate at home furiously with one hand while struggling to hold together the chicken burger we bought with the other. The “night out” is already implanted in our minds as an environment unsafe for a girlfriend, so that needs to stop.Another thing that needs to be controlled is being sneaky. Being sneaky is never fun, always ends in a fight and puts you at constant unease. It's important that, from day one, you set a precedent for the rest of your relationship. Meaning, don't be a dick and ensure that, in terms of your sex life, you lock that away firmly in your girlfriend's closet and leave it there. Don't text other girls you've been with, don't tempt yourself into a Facebook message exchange with someone you would happily do the no-pants dance with and leave the sex chat at home.
This may seem irrelevant and a bit extreme, but what you don't realize is that when you're out with your friends, you're in your comfort zone -- a place where nothing bothers you, and all that is on your mind is fun. The last thing you want in these situations is the addition of an ingredient that could tense you up and cut the night short. If you open up your life to someone intimately (stay with me, fellas), then you should be happy to open the social doors of your life, too.
Can You Be In A Relationship And Still Be A Party Animal? 2
More importantly, if you use your nights out to chat with women and vent
your frustration at being in a relationship, then it's probably best
you end that arrangement and grow up a little.
Also, some people do love a bit of drama, so don't fuel the fire. Some are more jealous than others, and some people will get themselves into an argument with their partner just for argument’s sake, and look back and render the whole point of the argument redundant. If you know that your better half will be annoyed if she saw you in an exchange of cheerful words with a pretty girl at the bar, then don't do it. If you know she likes to go crazy on the dance floor, then don’t be surprised when she starts to attract the attention of other men. If you know she gets horny on vodka, get her a double and hit the restroom. I'm going off track here, but the point is that it's important to know what your boundaries are and what you're dealing with. The element of surprise can only lead to disaster.
Remember that the way you use your night out plays a part, too. If you use them to vent your frustration of a busy job, then you're more likely to be annoyed if something gets in the way of your fun. More importantly, if you use your nights out to chat with women and vent your frustration at being in a relationship, then it's probably best you end that arrangement and grow up a little.
Going out on the town with your partner is simple if that's what you actually want to do. But if you're coping with the extra company rather than enjoying it, then my advice is to go it alone and cope with the strains that come with loneliness until you meet someone who you'd happily down shots of tequila with.
Also, some people do love a bit of drama, so don't fuel the fire. Some are more jealous than others, and some people will get themselves into an argument with their partner just for argument’s sake, and look back and render the whole point of the argument redundant. If you know that your better half will be annoyed if she saw you in an exchange of cheerful words with a pretty girl at the bar, then don't do it. If you know she likes to go crazy on the dance floor, then don’t be surprised when she starts to attract the attention of other men. If you know she gets horny on vodka, get her a double and hit the restroom. I'm going off track here, but the point is that it's important to know what your boundaries are and what you're dealing with. The element of surprise can only lead to disaster.
Remember that the way you use your night out plays a part, too. If you use them to vent your frustration of a busy job, then you're more likely to be annoyed if something gets in the way of your fun. More importantly, if you use your nights out to chat with women and vent your frustration at being in a relationship, then it's probably best you end that arrangement and grow up a little.
Going out on the town with your partner is simple if that's what you actually want to do. But if you're coping with the extra company rather than enjoying it, then my advice is to go it alone and cope with the strains that come with loneliness until you meet someone who you'd happily down shots of tequila with.
How To Become Confident In The Dating World
It's hard out there in the dating world. You get rejected, you get
laughed at, you get talked about behind your back. Does that make online
dating your best option? Do sites like Fling or Adult Friend Finder
actually work? We just found this post on Reddit by ProlapsedPinealand couldn't imagine giving better advice ourselves.
This post has been left unedited.
Son, if you're 23 I have some words of wisdom for you. I'm almost old enough to be your dad and my boy and I talk pretty regularly about how the world works so I hope you don't take offense to my tone, it's meant to be helpful.
You need very few things at your age to meet a wonderful woman, but it's a quest. Think of it that way. You're Link, or Luke, or some other hero of the story.
First you must unlock the mystery of self confidence. This is like pulling the sword out of the stone. Only the one true king can do it, but you just didn't know that was you the whole time because you were afraid to try.
Read. Good. Books. Not that PUA sh*t, things that actually make you a better person, not a manipulative jackass. I highly recommend Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People as well as a book called The Magic of Thinking Big [by David Schwartz]. It's been a while, but I remember those as being very helpful to me in life.
Why? Because most people are not socialized well and they are taught to believe they deserve things they don't without effort. You need to know how to be comfortable talking to people. Be genuine. Learn how to not over-share. Relax in your own skin. Be genuinely interested in what someone else has to say.
Now that you know how to communicate and you believe you can be awesome, start being awesome.
If you have problems with having a conversation with a woman, maybe you're just f*cking boring. Fix that. Change your life. Have some hobbies and passions. Work out for god's sake, make your body look good. Do you like being with attractive women? Well, make yourself attractive. Even if your face is a mess, if you take care of yourself it tells someone else "this is a guy that takes care of himself." It will help you.
Now that you're a good communicator, have healthy self esteem, and have become more physically active, we need to talk about your career.
I've had a strong six figure job and a self esteem that was sh*t and couldn't get a date. I've also been a struggling artist and had to almost literally fight dates off. The big difference was passion. It was all what was going on in my head. If you hate your job, reconsider it. Maybe you're in survival mode for money but whatever it is you choose to do, you choose it, and you make it something you can be enthusiastic about.
Mind, body, and soul is important, but the impressions are very, very important. Dress well for f*ck's sake. Everyone in a first world country can clean up. Have at least one outfit that makes you feel good. Polish your shoes, or at least clean your sneakers if that's your thing.
If you're a punk with a mohawk then there's a different but similar thing going on; it boils down to making yourself feel good about you first. If you feel good about yourself you will emanate something that is attractive. You'll be more confident, and that will lead to....
Talk to women in real life. I'm not saying that it's a catch all solution to your problem, but if your goal when talking to women online is to eventually meet them in real life, you could always cheat the system and practice talking to them in the real world, too.
Consider this: If you set up an OkCupid or whatever account, you're saying hi to a woman who has probably been hit on 30 times in the past day. If you go to a nice club, with a haircut and clean clothes and approach a woman, she may have only been talked to by a few guys in the past hour.
The real world is where it's at. Use dating sites to practice having conversations, but its a sucker's game. Go get scared, screw up, grow some confidence, and meet people in the world.
I wish you the best young man, treat her respectfully and go make the old guard proud.
Edit: If you're a virgin you're body is going to be so excited to have sex the first time you're going to be rubbish. You can't expect to be an expert at something you're just trying for the first time. Make sure you go down on her first. Don't watch porn to learn how to do this, read some of the great posts here about it. Have lots of foreplay. Practice kegel exercises. Be a repeat performer. You'll get the hang of it, but make her pleasure important to you.
This post has been left unedited.
Son, if you're 23 I have some words of wisdom for you. I'm almost old enough to be your dad and my boy and I talk pretty regularly about how the world works so I hope you don't take offense to my tone, it's meant to be helpful.
You need very few things at your age to meet a wonderful woman, but it's a quest. Think of it that way. You're Link, or Luke, or some other hero of the story.
First you must unlock the mystery of self confidence. This is like pulling the sword out of the stone. Only the one true king can do it, but you just didn't know that was you the whole time because you were afraid to try.
Read. Good. Books. Not that PUA sh*t, things that actually make you a better person, not a manipulative jackass. I highly recommend Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People as well as a book called The Magic of Thinking Big [by David Schwartz]. It's been a while, but I remember those as being very helpful to me in life.
Why? Because most people are not socialized well and they are taught to believe they deserve things they don't without effort. You need to know how to be comfortable talking to people. Be genuine. Learn how to not over-share. Relax in your own skin. Be genuinely interested in what someone else has to say.
Now that you know how to communicate and you believe you can be awesome, start being awesome.
If you have problems with having a conversation with a woman, maybe you're just f*cking boring. Fix that. Change your life. Have some hobbies and passions. Work out for god's sake, make your body look good. Do you like being with attractive women? Well, make yourself attractive. Even if your face is a mess, if you take care of yourself it tells someone else "this is a guy that takes care of himself." It will help you.
Now that you're a good communicator, have healthy self esteem, and have become more physically active, we need to talk about your career.
I've had a strong six figure job and a self esteem that was sh*t and couldn't get a date. I've also been a struggling artist and had to almost literally fight dates off. The big difference was passion. It was all what was going on in my head. If you hate your job, reconsider it. Maybe you're in survival mode for money but whatever it is you choose to do, you choose it, and you make it something you can be enthusiastic about.
Mind, body, and soul is important, but the impressions are very, very important. Dress well for f*ck's sake. Everyone in a first world country can clean up. Have at least one outfit that makes you feel good. Polish your shoes, or at least clean your sneakers if that's your thing.
If you're a punk with a mohawk then there's a different but similar thing going on; it boils down to making yourself feel good about you first. If you feel good about yourself you will emanate something that is attractive. You'll be more confident, and that will lead to....
Talk to women in real life. I'm not saying that it's a catch all solution to your problem, but if your goal when talking to women online is to eventually meet them in real life, you could always cheat the system and practice talking to them in the real world, too.
Consider this: If you set up an OkCupid or whatever account, you're saying hi to a woman who has probably been hit on 30 times in the past day. If you go to a nice club, with a haircut and clean clothes and approach a woman, she may have only been talked to by a few guys in the past hour.
The real world is where it's at. Use dating sites to practice having conversations, but its a sucker's game. Go get scared, screw up, grow some confidence, and meet people in the world.
I wish you the best young man, treat her respectfully and go make the old guard proud.
Edit: If you're a virgin you're body is going to be so excited to have sex the first time you're going to be rubbish. You can't expect to be an expert at something you're just trying for the first time. Make sure you go down on her first. Don't watch porn to learn how to do this, read some of the great posts here about it. Have lots of foreplay. Practice kegel exercises. Be a repeat performer. You'll get the hang of it, but make her pleasure important to you.
Why Men Date "Difficult Women" 2
If the messy woman is your jam, there’s a strong possibility that you
feel kind of chaotic inside but can’t allow yourself to acknowledge
that.
I’m suggesting that you start paying way more attention to those mechanics. And if you stick with it, even just a little while, I can promise you something amazing will happen. As you begin to see that women aren’t really the “other” -- they’re just you, except the flip side -- you’ll stop running around selfishly taking an up-or-down, hot-or-not vote on every woman you date. You’ll become curious about who they are as human beings and what that might reflect back on you. And you'll realize the other surprising secret about difficult women: They’re only really looking for their match.
The Mess
What makes her attractive: She’s often charmingly childlike and adorable, and unlike a lot of other women, she really needs you. And that feels good. What’s underneath that: She’s in trouble. She’s an alcoholic, she’s in debt, she’s bananas, or she’s got daddy issues the size of Montana. What dating her says about you: Whatever she’s got going on, you imagine you’re going to fix it, and that makes you feel powerful. And women who can take care of themselves don’t make you feel like that. If the messy woman is your jam, there’s a strong possibility that you feel kind of chaotic inside but can’t allow yourself to acknowledge that -- it would be too embarrassing (even to yourself) -- so instead you find a messy girl and try to clean her up. Either that, or your mom was a disaster. Either way, therapy would be a really good thing for you.The Liar
What makes her attractive: She wants to have sex with you on a regular basis and keep it casual. What’s underneath that: She swears she only wants to be friends with benefits, but she’s kidding herself. In three weeks, she’s going to be demanding to know why you refuse to commit. What dating her says about you: There’s only one way a woman -- or anyone -- can successfully lie to you, and that’s if you’re lying to yourself. Usually, you know all along if a woman is really the type who can have sex casually. At least if you’re over, say, age 25. But she was there, she was cute and you wanted to believe her, so you went along with it. And now you have to deal with the fact that she’s upset you don’t want more. The bottom line here is that when you get real with yourself, everyone who isn’t being real with you will instantly bail out of your life. Which is precisely what you’re afraid of -- that if you're honest about what you want, people will bail.What Do You Do With This Knowledge?
This is a short list, but you get the idea. So what do you do? Start approaching every date you go on, every chick you find yourself involved with and every old girlfriend you’ve ever had as embodying some aspect of yourself you need to deal with.I’m suggesting that you start paying way more attention to those mechanics. And if you stick with it, even just a little while, I can promise you something amazing will happen. As you begin to see that women aren’t really the “other” -- they’re just you, except the flip side -- you’ll stop running around selfishly taking an up-or-down, hot-or-not vote on every woman you date. You’ll become curious about who they are as human beings and what that might reflect back on you. And you'll realize the other surprising secret about difficult women: They’re only really looking for their match.
Why Men Date "Difficult Women"
You can be attracted to the bitch because she expresses the anger you
can’t, won’t or don’t allow yourself to express -- which often means you're “a nice guy.”
God knows there are difficult women out there. Women who are -- at times -- shallow, bitchy, selfish, dishonest and, of course, crazy. But what I’m here to say is this: Your problem is not that these women exist; your problem is that you’re trying to date them.
Wait. I hear you protesting. You are right now saying to your computer screen: That’s the surprising secret about difficult women? But, but, but… all women are like that!
Actually, things are more complex than that. Because, while it may be true that every woman has her something, we don’t all have the same something. Right? So, why, if you’re like most guys, do you find yourself dealing with one or two of the same somethings over and over again? Even when you specifically go looking for someone completely different from the last chick who caused you so much grief, how is it that, lo and behold, here you are, one year later, putting a new password on your phone, again?
I’ll tell you how.
Because it’s not that bitches is crazy. It’s that you got a thing for bitches… who is crazy. This is also known as having a “type.” But where we generally think of having a type as, say, liking redheads or being an “ass man,” what most people really have is an energetic type. Someone who acts (and reacts) in ways that we mostly enjoy, until we realize that what we’re attracted to is just the exterior, hiding the other quality which, it turns out, bugs the sh*t out of us. And the deal is this -- that other quality? It matches something inside you. So let’s look at some common archetypes and what they might correspond to in yourself.
God knows there are difficult women out there. Women who are -- at times -- shallow, bitchy, selfish, dishonest and, of course, crazy. But what I’m here to say is this: Your problem is not that these women exist; your problem is that you’re trying to date them.
Wait. I hear you protesting. You are right now saying to your computer screen: That’s the surprising secret about difficult women? But, but, but… all women are like that!
Actually, things are more complex than that. Because, while it may be true that every woman has her something, we don’t all have the same something. Right? So, why, if you’re like most guys, do you find yourself dealing with one or two of the same somethings over and over again? Even when you specifically go looking for someone completely different from the last chick who caused you so much grief, how is it that, lo and behold, here you are, one year later, putting a new password on your phone, again?
I’ll tell you how.
Because it’s not that bitches is crazy. It’s that you got a thing for bitches… who is crazy. This is also known as having a “type.” But where we generally think of having a type as, say, liking redheads or being an “ass man,” what most people really have is an energetic type. Someone who acts (and reacts) in ways that we mostly enjoy, until we realize that what we’re attracted to is just the exterior, hiding the other quality which, it turns out, bugs the sh*t out of us. And the deal is this -- that other quality? It matches something inside you. So let’s look at some common archetypes and what they might correspond to in yourself.
The Bitch
What makes her attractive: She’s a go-getter. She’s sassy. She’s a challenge. And, often, she makes money. What’s underneath that: The bitch is all about anger. Often, she’s been hurt out there in the world and she’s developed a tough exterior -- and sometimes interior -- to protect herself. What dating her says about you: There are two ways this can go. You can be attracted to the bitch because she expresses the anger you can’t, won’t or don’t allow yourself to express -- which often means you're “a nice guy.” Or she just reflects (and usually amplifies) your own anger back to you. If you’re the kind of guy who’s known for knock-down drag-outs with his girlfriends, or maybe gets into a bar fight every once in a while, this is definitely you.The Sexpot
What makes her attractive: Duh. She’s hot. And she’s willing. What’s underneath that: A woman who knows how hot she is and has spent most of her life and relationships controlling men with her sexuality. What dating her says about you: I know all men are attracted to “hot,” available women. But only a specific kind of guy is actually trying to get into a relationship with a woman who wears Lucite heels -- or just vibes likes she’s wearing them. If you’re the guy who just can’t get interested in a girl who couldn’t pass for a porn star, you might have an issue with addictive sex. You know how normal drinkers just have wine with dinner while the addicts are in the bathroom doing blow? When it comes to sex, that’s you. You need to get high. Off sex. You know you’re this guy if sometimes you just wish you could be the kind of guy who could settle down with a “regular” woman and get it over with -- but you know deep down, you just can’t.The Gold Digger
What makes her attractive: She’s a trophy. Incredibly well put together, she’s the kind of girl who, when you’re with her, makes you wish you could run into your ex. What’s underneath that: The gold digger thinks like an asset manager -- how can she use what you want to get what she wants. What dating her says about you: If you’re attracted to trophy wife material, you go for only eights, nines or tens. You’re most likely also a “King of the World” type who believes all women are just out for (your) money. If this is you, women are just another resource to be mined or commodity to be traded. So it makes sense that you attract (and are attracted to) women who leverage their own assets in the hopes they’ll be able to exploit yours. The beauty of this relationship is that you can both be sure you’ll get what you really deserve: each other.Dating Advice From An Indian Player 2
Most rich guys let their money speak rather than try hard to impress a
woman with their charm. After a couple of months, this becomes mundane
and boring."
In India, our firm belief systems, whatever they may be, are reinforced by our families. And India is largely still a land of big families. Religious guys or the domesticated sort are favorites with Indian girls (the next tip elaborates a bit on this). If you’re one of these guys, you’re seen as rooted, God-fearing and someone who can shift into several demanding gears that may require you to juggle kids, her parents and then the household help (yes, household help is the norm rather than the exception throughout India) -- all the while negotiating a business deal over the phone.
The fact is, most guys harbor a fundamental misconception about what women really want. We believe that the guy with more money gets more girls. I say rubbish. Most rich guys let their money speak rather than try hard to impress a woman with their charm. After a couple of months, this becomes mundane and boring. Given the choice, most women would prefer a guy who can speak his mind to a guy who’s always willing to open his wallet. Look at all the artists, musicians, writers (*awkward cough*) sporting girls on their arms.
My third piece of advice is to master the art of perseverance. Most of us give up or retreat, in fear, at an early stage. Women, especially in India, play hard to get, even if they’re not a 10 or a 7.5. The other half fall under the conservative-conventional shell of the Indian society (the “I don’t speak with strangers or go out” types).
But I believe that generally men are mostly to blame for this radical hard-to-get playing. Too many men going on the “she smiled so I asked her to come home with me” plan have convinced too many women that all we want is to get in their pants.
To cut a long story short, rejection is on the menu no matter how much of a player you are. You must learn to take it slowly and -- dare I say this but it bloody well works out there -- take the “friendship” route if all else fails. At the very least it opens up a door to get to know her better. But be careful in how you tread on this double-edged path of friendship-attraction. Try only circling the rim of the well without actually falling in, if you know what I mean.
One tried and tested model of perseverance that seems to work like a charm 99% of the time is flipping the ecosystem. It’s been mastered/perpetuated and thrown around year after year by Bollywood. Allow me to explain and break this mystical and magical model in a few easy steps.
Let’s say you know a girl from school who also happens to live next door (sort of like an American Pie situation). Now, pay attention closely because it gets a bit tricky here. Get her parents, her friends, her dog and her relatives to fall in love with you. This will make the soil fertile and the ecosystem ripe for you to step in and make the move. In other words, all the “influencers” in her life will vouch for you. Play your cards right, and she’ll be the one making the first move.
Here’s a quick recap. Remember to drop the plan and be spontaneous (the “do” first and “make sense later” approach), be the versatile social monkey able to handle all flocks of society in one merry-go-round (without flinching), master the art of perseverance and, if all else seems to be failing, flip her ecosystem in your favor. No one ever said it was easy, but neither did anyone say it was impossible.
In India, our firm belief systems, whatever they may be, are reinforced by our families. And India is largely still a land of big families. Religious guys or the domesticated sort are favorites with Indian girls (the next tip elaborates a bit on this). If you’re one of these guys, you’re seen as rooted, God-fearing and someone who can shift into several demanding gears that may require you to juggle kids, her parents and then the household help (yes, household help is the norm rather than the exception throughout India) -- all the while negotiating a business deal over the phone.
The fact is, most guys harbor a fundamental misconception about what women really want. We believe that the guy with more money gets more girls. I say rubbish. Most rich guys let their money speak rather than try hard to impress a woman with their charm. After a couple of months, this becomes mundane and boring. Given the choice, most women would prefer a guy who can speak his mind to a guy who’s always willing to open his wallet. Look at all the artists, musicians, writers (*awkward cough*) sporting girls on their arms.
My third piece of advice is to master the art of perseverance. Most of us give up or retreat, in fear, at an early stage. Women, especially in India, play hard to get, even if they’re not a 10 or a 7.5. The other half fall under the conservative-conventional shell of the Indian society (the “I don’t speak with strangers or go out” types).
But I believe that generally men are mostly to blame for this radical hard-to-get playing. Too many men going on the “she smiled so I asked her to come home with me” plan have convinced too many women that all we want is to get in their pants.
To cut a long story short, rejection is on the menu no matter how much of a player you are. You must learn to take it slowly and -- dare I say this but it bloody well works out there -- take the “friendship” route if all else fails. At the very least it opens up a door to get to know her better. But be careful in how you tread on this double-edged path of friendship-attraction. Try only circling the rim of the well without actually falling in, if you know what I mean.
One tried and tested model of perseverance that seems to work like a charm 99% of the time is flipping the ecosystem. It’s been mastered/perpetuated and thrown around year after year by Bollywood. Allow me to explain and break this mystical and magical model in a few easy steps.
Let’s say you know a girl from school who also happens to live next door (sort of like an American Pie situation). Now, pay attention closely because it gets a bit tricky here. Get her parents, her friends, her dog and her relatives to fall in love with you. This will make the soil fertile and the ecosystem ripe for you to step in and make the move. In other words, all the “influencers” in her life will vouch for you. Play your cards right, and she’ll be the one making the first move.
Here’s a quick recap. Remember to drop the plan and be spontaneous (the “do” first and “make sense later” approach), be the versatile social monkey able to handle all flocks of society in one merry-go-round (without flinching), master the art of perseverance and, if all else seems to be failing, flip her ecosystem in your favor. No one ever said it was easy, but neither did anyone say it was impossible.
Dating Advice From An Indian Player
You’ll be waiting for the “supposedly” right signals, all the while
seeming nervous and insecure. Nothing could be less attractive to a
woman you meet at a bar or club.
For over a century, people from across the world have traveled to Indian shores to witness the Indian rope trick. It consists of a man climbing up a rope that disappears into the thin sky above, only to reappear minutes later from behind the crowd to everyone’s shock and loud applause.
It might not be pure coincidence, then, that Indian men tend to have a natural knack for putting on a show. The only rational equivalent, for the sake of my argument, to the Indian rope trick, is when an Indian man walks into a bar, approaches a succession of gorgeous women, walks out with a bunch of phone numbers and a girl in each arm.
Yes, we’re trafficking in generalities here. But we’re also talking about the habits and abilities of a huge number of Indian men, so let’s dispense with the skepticism for a moment. Here’s what you need to know about an Indian man’s dating game.
First and foremost, drop the plan. I’ve gone through my share of endless “game plan”-oriented dating websites, books and manuals. All those got me were nights alone at home with a beer and stale nachos from the night before.
Coming back home to an empty couch on several occasions, I can assure you that plans don’t work. Here’s why: You’ll have way too much noise bothering you throughout your conversation. You’ll be waiting for the “supposedly” right signals, all the while seeming nervous and insecure. Nothing could be less attractive to a woman you meet at a bar or club.
That’s the first major difference in an Indian man’s game. He has no plan. If you don’t believe me, look at the Indian infrastructure. We do first, plan later. A famous quote from Indian businessman Ratan Tata will elucidate my argument:
"I don’t believe in taking the right decisions... I take decisions and then try to make them right... So always believe in your ability and efforts.”
How would you do this? Simple. Think spontaneous, go with the flow, make something absolutely boring exciting and pay close attention to her mood. Let’s say you pick her up at 7:30 for a dinner and movie. Quite routine, ordinary and run of the mill, right? Imagine instead going bowling (because you paid attention and noticed she wasn’t that thrilled about the prospect seeing yet another superhero movie franchise). Ever seen stars in movies pull up at the airport and book tickets to the first plane that leaves? Do that, if you can afford it, at least once in your life!
If you’re not the adventurous sort, taking simpler steps will give you the confidence to do something novel later. To effectively pull off the no-plan plan is to listen very carefully to all the things she has on her bucket list. If she doesn’t like texting, drop in at her place, call her by the large mango tree (for the sake of argument, she has a large tree at the edge of her lawn), ask her to come out and meet you, and take it from there. Yes, this could be construed as a glorified booty call, but if it starts with an unexpected move, who knows where it will lead?
One particular incident I can recollect from my past will elucidate this concept. So, there we were, a bunch of friends at a big table at a pizza place. One of the girls started horsing around with me. One thing led to another and we ended up bathing each other with soda in clear view of the entire restaurant. It was random, spontaneous and ballsy because she was bored of the contrived and solicitous attention of would-be gentlemen, and I was doing something different.
Secondly, women like a guy who believes in something. It could be anything. As long as the conviction is there, she’ll believe you. With our rich heritage and culture, Indian men have a lot going for themselves. Usually, if used in the right dose, it can win over the most difficult girls. Believing in something sounds simple, but when you truly ask yourself what you believe in, you might find that it’s a route of thinking you’ve never taken before. Know the answer to that question and take it seriously. Women will take notice, believe me.
For over a century, people from across the world have traveled to Indian shores to witness the Indian rope trick. It consists of a man climbing up a rope that disappears into the thin sky above, only to reappear minutes later from behind the crowd to everyone’s shock and loud applause.
It might not be pure coincidence, then, that Indian men tend to have a natural knack for putting on a show. The only rational equivalent, for the sake of my argument, to the Indian rope trick, is when an Indian man walks into a bar, approaches a succession of gorgeous women, walks out with a bunch of phone numbers and a girl in each arm.
Yes, we’re trafficking in generalities here. But we’re also talking about the habits and abilities of a huge number of Indian men, so let’s dispense with the skepticism for a moment. Here’s what you need to know about an Indian man’s dating game.
First and foremost, drop the plan. I’ve gone through my share of endless “game plan”-oriented dating websites, books and manuals. All those got me were nights alone at home with a beer and stale nachos from the night before.
Coming back home to an empty couch on several occasions, I can assure you that plans don’t work. Here’s why: You’ll have way too much noise bothering you throughout your conversation. You’ll be waiting for the “supposedly” right signals, all the while seeming nervous and insecure. Nothing could be less attractive to a woman you meet at a bar or club.
That’s the first major difference in an Indian man’s game. He has no plan. If you don’t believe me, look at the Indian infrastructure. We do first, plan later. A famous quote from Indian businessman Ratan Tata will elucidate my argument:
"I don’t believe in taking the right decisions... I take decisions and then try to make them right... So always believe in your ability and efforts.”
How would you do this? Simple. Think spontaneous, go with the flow, make something absolutely boring exciting and pay close attention to her mood. Let’s say you pick her up at 7:30 for a dinner and movie. Quite routine, ordinary and run of the mill, right? Imagine instead going bowling (because you paid attention and noticed she wasn’t that thrilled about the prospect seeing yet another superhero movie franchise). Ever seen stars in movies pull up at the airport and book tickets to the first plane that leaves? Do that, if you can afford it, at least once in your life!
If you’re not the adventurous sort, taking simpler steps will give you the confidence to do something novel later. To effectively pull off the no-plan plan is to listen very carefully to all the things she has on her bucket list. If she doesn’t like texting, drop in at her place, call her by the large mango tree (for the sake of argument, she has a large tree at the edge of her lawn), ask her to come out and meet you, and take it from there. Yes, this could be construed as a glorified booty call, but if it starts with an unexpected move, who knows where it will lead?
One particular incident I can recollect from my past will elucidate this concept. So, there we were, a bunch of friends at a big table at a pizza place. One of the girls started horsing around with me. One thing led to another and we ended up bathing each other with soda in clear view of the entire restaurant. It was random, spontaneous and ballsy because she was bored of the contrived and solicitous attention of would-be gentlemen, and I was doing something different.
Secondly, women like a guy who believes in something. It could be anything. As long as the conviction is there, she’ll believe you. With our rich heritage and culture, Indian men have a lot going for themselves. Usually, if used in the right dose, it can win over the most difficult girls. Believing in something sounds simple, but when you truly ask yourself what you believe in, you might find that it’s a route of thinking you’ve never taken before. Know the answer to that question and take it seriously. Women will take notice, believe me.
Learn How To Approach Women From The No. 1 Pro
"Think about it: If you approach her, you may be nervous at first, but before you know it, the conversation is over."
We've teamed up with Neil Strauss, author of the New York Times bestselling books The Game and Rules of the Game, to give away a limited number of exclusive downloads of his new iPhone app, A BETTER MAN. The app will give you real-time missions that challenge you to talk to women and transform you into a confident, better man who doesn’t think twice about approaching women. As you progress through the app, the missions become increasingly difficult, with each new completed level unlocking new achievements -- opening up new levels and bonus materials in the form of audio/video lessons from Neil and expanded tips. So the real question is: What are some guidelines to follow when approaching women?
If you want to win,Comment. The app winners will be chosen at random.
If you want to win the grand prize -- a dinner with Neil himself, where you will get to ask him all your burning questions about dating and approaching women - where you’ll find contest details and be able to enter this Thursday through Sunday. You must be a resident of L.A. or be able to get to L.A. on June 18th.
Whether you're the lucky winner of the app or are just curious, here are some pointers from us at AskMen.
Approach her no matter what
If you approach, you win -- no matter what happens. Most guys are too focused and concerned about a conversation going well and walking away with a phone number. This is a big mistake. Look at it this way: As long as you open your mouth and say something -- anything at all -- you're doing what 95% of guys can only dream about. Congratulate yourself the instant you start the conversation -- after all, you're already a cut above the rest. Once you've made this initial verbal contact, relax and enjoy the chat with her.Focus on how you'll feel if you don't talk to her
One reason you hesitate to start talking to her is because it feels uncomfortable to take the leap. But the fact is, it's more uncomfortable not to. Think about it: If you approach her, you may be nervous at first, but before you know it, the conversation is over. And if you don't approach her, you'll wish you had, and you'll carry that regret with you for the rest of the day. Save yourself the agony and go talk to her.Don't put undue pressure on yourself
When most guys see a woman they'd like to meet, they immediately view her as a potential date,which creates all sorts of pressure. Instead, look at the next woman you meet as an opportunity to work on your "skills." This "mindset shift" helps you to be less attached to the outcome, in turn, making you more relaxed and more likely to start the conversation. Don't forget: You also improve the chances of it turning out to be a fun experience for everyone.Good Luck! And remember, if you want to win Neil Strauss’ app download, A BETTER MAN. The app winners will be chosen at random. If you want to win the grand prize -- a dinner with Neil himself -- subscribe now, where you’ll find contest details.
How One Man Decided To Make Dating Fun Again 2
I think it’s time we stopped approaching dates like interviews, and walk into them like that earnest teen we used to be.
The new scorecard makes for a whole new game that still carries on into our 30s. But the parties start to slow. In your 30s, your job can become your social life if you haven't built some longstanding friendships. Typically, meeting new people means being fixed up or meeting someone at a function. Regardless, the next step is the official date. But this is not the date we grew so fond of in our younger years. These days, a date means the audition process has begun. Whereas in youth, my address was relevant to a girl because she had to take the bus to meet me there, now my address says a little something about my status, tastes or what my future looks like. In my teens, the location of the date was an excuse to be anywhere but home, and now it may be a deal breaker if I take her somewhere with menus for place mats.
Romance is great, but where is this going? She was cool, the date was fun, but would she like my family? Should I pay or will that be too aggressive? It’s hard not to feel that youthful innocence has faded and given way to a more calculating exercise.
But, lately, I have begun to wonder if it’s time to stop thinking so much. Maybe it’s time just to be happy to be going out, not worrying about what happens next. What if the same things that excited me about dates in my teens can still work now? Sometimes enjoying the discovery of each other without thinking down the line is as simple as deciding that's what you’re going to do. Of course our lives have changed since we were teenagers, but that doesn’t mean we can’t let the 16-year-old in us enjoy the early stages of attraction before the adult in us starts asking too many questions.
I think it’s time we stopped approaching dates like interviews, and walk into them like that earnest teen we used to be. I know I make it sound easy, and it really isn’t, but nobody said this would be easy. But maybe it can still be fun. Like it used to be. Save the questions for later. Though you still may be asking yourself how to undo that bra.
The new scorecard makes for a whole new game that still carries on into our 30s. But the parties start to slow. In your 30s, your job can become your social life if you haven't built some longstanding friendships. Typically, meeting new people means being fixed up or meeting someone at a function. Regardless, the next step is the official date. But this is not the date we grew so fond of in our younger years. These days, a date means the audition process has begun. Whereas in youth, my address was relevant to a girl because she had to take the bus to meet me there, now my address says a little something about my status, tastes or what my future looks like. In my teens, the location of the date was an excuse to be anywhere but home, and now it may be a deal breaker if I take her somewhere with menus for place mats.
Romance is great, but where is this going? She was cool, the date was fun, but would she like my family? Should I pay or will that be too aggressive? It’s hard not to feel that youthful innocence has faded and given way to a more calculating exercise.
But, lately, I have begun to wonder if it’s time to stop thinking so much. Maybe it’s time just to be happy to be going out, not worrying about what happens next. What if the same things that excited me about dates in my teens can still work now? Sometimes enjoying the discovery of each other without thinking down the line is as simple as deciding that's what you’re going to do. Of course our lives have changed since we were teenagers, but that doesn’t mean we can’t let the 16-year-old in us enjoy the early stages of attraction before the adult in us starts asking too many questions.
I think it’s time we stopped approaching dates like interviews, and walk into them like that earnest teen we used to be. I know I make it sound easy, and it really isn’t, but nobody said this would be easy. But maybe it can still be fun. Like it used to be. Save the questions for later. Though you still may be asking yourself how to undo that bra.
How One Man Decided To Make Dating Fun Again
Connecting with women started to require a little more than just being interested and asking."
I'm 37 and single. I'm happy. I really am. OK, maybe I could be happier. As they say, the grass is always greener. That must be why I feel something like envy when I’m surrounded by my “relationship” friends. It doesn't help that more and more activities are starting to be planned as couple-friendly, and that I’m always sharing a room with my best friend when we travel. I love the guy, but waking up to his mug on every vacation is wearing thin. Men in their late 30s should be sharing a bed with their romantic partner, not booking two doubles in a hotel room and arguing over who gets the last clean towel. How did I get here?
I have been in a few relationships, and I think of myself as a pretty good catch. I am ready to give it a real shot. That means one thing for certain. I have to go on dates. And dating sucks. But, the more I think about it, the more I realize that dating hasn’t always sucked. Why is it that lately I’d rather stay home and watch Mad Men than take a girl to dinner? Isn’t this supposed to be fun?
When you're young, going on dates for the first time is pretty awesome. You feel like you’re growing up and starting to understand what being a man means through a woman's eyes -- a woman who isn’t your mother. Whether your parents dropped you off and picked you up, or you took the bus to meet a girl at the movies, those first dates were pretty magical. Not only were you experiencing some firsts in your life, but the mere prospect that someone of the opposite sex wanted to spend time with you was enough to keep you up the night before. It was exhilarating and terrifying, but there was also an indescribable romanticism that we weren’t even aware of at the time. I remember that feeling -- dates without the weight of anything besides a connection at its purest. I still maintain that my best relationships were in my teens. No agendas, just connecting over the mutual discovery. But that doesn't last long.
Heading into my 20s, things began to shift a little. Some of the guys were sticking out relationships through college. While some of us were still trying to figure out who we were or what we wanted to do with our lives, there were a select few already mapping it out. They had the life plan, and they had the woman who was ready to be part of it. Some of us would be lingering at the bar until 3:30 to try to latch onto the nearest target, and these other guys would be heading home early. Their situation looked comfortable, but it wasn’t tempting enough for me to rethink what I had going on.
So I was out there “dating.” Only this was no longer dating as I had come to know it. It was socializing. This type of socializing would lead to sex. If you ended up at the same bars or parties the following weekend, you would probably sleep together again. A few of these weekends in a row, and you would begin to ask yourself if this was someone you wanted to see again.
But real dates were rare. It became more about networking and making sure you were meeting the right people and keeping up with the trends. Don't get me wrong, I had fun. But the shift had begun. Connecting with women started to require a little more than just being interested and asking. You had to have something to say, and if you wanted to find a woman worth her salt, you had to have direction. Suddenly, everybody’s scorecard had new categories.
I'm 37 and single. I'm happy. I really am. OK, maybe I could be happier. As they say, the grass is always greener. That must be why I feel something like envy when I’m surrounded by my “relationship” friends. It doesn't help that more and more activities are starting to be planned as couple-friendly, and that I’m always sharing a room with my best friend when we travel. I love the guy, but waking up to his mug on every vacation is wearing thin. Men in their late 30s should be sharing a bed with their romantic partner, not booking two doubles in a hotel room and arguing over who gets the last clean towel. How did I get here?
I have been in a few relationships, and I think of myself as a pretty good catch. I am ready to give it a real shot. That means one thing for certain. I have to go on dates. And dating sucks. But, the more I think about it, the more I realize that dating hasn’t always sucked. Why is it that lately I’d rather stay home and watch Mad Men than take a girl to dinner? Isn’t this supposed to be fun?
When you're young, going on dates for the first time is pretty awesome. You feel like you’re growing up and starting to understand what being a man means through a woman's eyes -- a woman who isn’t your mother. Whether your parents dropped you off and picked you up, or you took the bus to meet a girl at the movies, those first dates were pretty magical. Not only were you experiencing some firsts in your life, but the mere prospect that someone of the opposite sex wanted to spend time with you was enough to keep you up the night before. It was exhilarating and terrifying, but there was also an indescribable romanticism that we weren’t even aware of at the time. I remember that feeling -- dates without the weight of anything besides a connection at its purest. I still maintain that my best relationships were in my teens. No agendas, just connecting over the mutual discovery. But that doesn't last long.
Heading into my 20s, things began to shift a little. Some of the guys were sticking out relationships through college. While some of us were still trying to figure out who we were or what we wanted to do with our lives, there were a select few already mapping it out. They had the life plan, and they had the woman who was ready to be part of it. Some of us would be lingering at the bar until 3:30 to try to latch onto the nearest target, and these other guys would be heading home early. Their situation looked comfortable, but it wasn’t tempting enough for me to rethink what I had going on.
So I was out there “dating.” Only this was no longer dating as I had come to know it. It was socializing. This type of socializing would lead to sex. If you ended up at the same bars or parties the following weekend, you would probably sleep together again. A few of these weekends in a row, and you would begin to ask yourself if this was someone you wanted to see again.
But real dates were rare. It became more about networking and making sure you were meeting the right people and keeping up with the trends. Don't get me wrong, I had fun. But the shift had begun. Connecting with women started to require a little more than just being interested and asking. You had to have something to say, and if you wanted to find a woman worth her salt, you had to have direction. Suddenly, everybody’s scorecard had new categories.
"What Should I Read To Make Girls Think I'm Smart In A Hot Way?"
If you want to be a hot literary nerd, all you need to do is to tell the girl what you actually thought of the book.
This Answer originally appeared on Quora. We have left it mostly unedited.
I suppose that I'm in the target demographic. I'm (1) a girl, (2) book-lover, and (3) a humanities major. I was, however, a history major, so let's see what that means. I'm afraid that my tastes aren't highbrow enough for you, but I'll do my very best to help you in your noble quest.
Before we proceed, I need to point out a contradiction. You say that you want to sound smart in a hot and a douchey intellectual way. I'm afraid these two things are mutually exclusive. Douchey intellectuals aren't hot or necessarily smart. In fact, it may be a turn-off to have someone throw around book titles to sound like their pants are just full of smarties. Just sayin'.
If you're determined to stay on the douchey side of the spectrum, it takes more than just reading fancy books. It's about the attitude. A few tips:
Tone - Try to keep your tone as condescending as possible. For example, you should disparage all obvious metaphors such as, "The metaphor of water in The Great Gatsby is just too utterly obvious. It's about the boat."
Language - If the book was written in a non-English language, use its original title and pronounce it correctly. For example, use Les Liaisons dangereuses instead of Dangerous Liaisons. Extra douche points if you read these books and quote passages in their original language.
Age - Put down newer books in favor of older, incredibly difficult to read books. This isn't a hard and fast rule though, thanks to David Foster Wallace. But always, always turn up your nose at popular fiction. The Hunger Games? Shockingly bad!
Discussion points - Stories, plots, character development? How pedestrian. Talk about the beauty of Henry James' and Borges' writing. You don't even need to read them, just say that their prose reminds us of our fragile humanity (whatever that means).
If you want to be a hot literary nerd, all you need to do is to tell the girl what you actually thought of the book.
With this list, you'll be able to go either way: hot nerd or douchey intellectual. It's all about the tone.
Ulysses (James Joyce): They teach entire college courses devoted to this book. You can't beat an eye-patched author for panache!
Infinite Jest (David Foster Wallace): Fractals! How could a girl not swoon about a book that combines philosophy, mathematics and humor?
Anything by Jorge Luis Borges: I'm not even sure Borges understood his books either. So, you can say whatever you want about them, it'll sound plausible.
Anything by Jane Austen: Not only will she think you're smart, but she'll think you're a hot sensitive hunk who understands women. Just don't compare the girl with Fanny Price.
Major philosophical works of Jean-Jacques Rousseau, John Locke, Thomas Hobbes, Jean-Paul Sartre, Simone de Beauvoir and Rene Descartes: I'd start with No Exit by Jean-Paul Sartre, at least that one is fun to read (and short).
Major tragedies by William Shakespeare: No Tempest for you, they teach that in middle school, for goodness' sake! It's about the epic tragedies: King Lear, Macbeth, Hamlet, et cetera. These tragedies will allow you to be emotive, intellectual and hot all at once. (Romeo and Juliet is cheating though.)
Of course, I'm just scratching the surface here, but being a douchey intellectual is work. Postscript: beware of going too obscure. A girl won't be impressed by something that she has never heard of.
This Answer originally appeared on Quora. We have left it mostly unedited.
I suppose that I'm in the target demographic. I'm (1) a girl, (2) book-lover, and (3) a humanities major. I was, however, a history major, so let's see what that means. I'm afraid that my tastes aren't highbrow enough for you, but I'll do my very best to help you in your noble quest.
Before we proceed, I need to point out a contradiction. You say that you want to sound smart in a hot and a douchey intellectual way. I'm afraid these two things are mutually exclusive. Douchey intellectuals aren't hot or necessarily smart. In fact, it may be a turn-off to have someone throw around book titles to sound like their pants are just full of smarties. Just sayin'.
If you're determined to stay on the douchey side of the spectrum, it takes more than just reading fancy books. It's about the attitude. A few tips:
Tone - Try to keep your tone as condescending as possible. For example, you should disparage all obvious metaphors such as, "The metaphor of water in The Great Gatsby is just too utterly obvious. It's about the boat."
Language - If the book was written in a non-English language, use its original title and pronounce it correctly. For example, use Les Liaisons dangereuses instead of Dangerous Liaisons. Extra douche points if you read these books and quote passages in their original language.
Age - Put down newer books in favor of older, incredibly difficult to read books. This isn't a hard and fast rule though, thanks to David Foster Wallace. But always, always turn up your nose at popular fiction. The Hunger Games? Shockingly bad!
Discussion points - Stories, plots, character development? How pedestrian. Talk about the beauty of Henry James' and Borges' writing. You don't even need to read them, just say that their prose reminds us of our fragile humanity (whatever that means).
If you want to be a hot literary nerd, all you need to do is to tell the girl what you actually thought of the book.
With this list, you'll be able to go either way: hot nerd or douchey intellectual. It's all about the tone.
Ulysses (James Joyce): They teach entire college courses devoted to this book. You can't beat an eye-patched author for panache!
Infinite Jest (David Foster Wallace): Fractals! How could a girl not swoon about a book that combines philosophy, mathematics and humor?
Anything by Jorge Luis Borges: I'm not even sure Borges understood his books either. So, you can say whatever you want about them, it'll sound plausible.
Anything by Jane Austen: Not only will she think you're smart, but she'll think you're a hot sensitive hunk who understands women. Just don't compare the girl with Fanny Price.
Major philosophical works of Jean-Jacques Rousseau, John Locke, Thomas Hobbes, Jean-Paul Sartre, Simone de Beauvoir and Rene Descartes: I'd start with No Exit by Jean-Paul Sartre, at least that one is fun to read (and short).
Major tragedies by William Shakespeare: No Tempest for you, they teach that in middle school, for goodness' sake! It's about the epic tragedies: King Lear, Macbeth, Hamlet, et cetera. These tragedies will allow you to be emotive, intellectual and hot all at once. (Romeo and Juliet is cheating though.)
Of course, I'm just scratching the surface here, but being a douchey intellectual is work. Postscript: beware of going too obscure. A girl won't be impressed by something that she has never heard of.
How Did You Choose The Ring?
We came in to work this morning and were shocked to hear that 19-year-old Miley Cyrus is engaged and sporting a 3.5-carat diamond ring. And then a few weeks ago, there was the outcry from Mark Zuckerberg's
"thrift" in the ring department (he's estimated to have spent a meastly
$25,000 on his bride's bling). Our conclusion: This proposal stuff is
complicated and often defies reason.
We want to know how you navigated the engagement ring process. Did you put off popping the question in order to save for the perfect ring? Did you say "f*ck it" and buy a placeholder until you could afford what you really wanted? Did you involve her in the process or, like us, do you think letting her choose the ring is the lowest form of manhood?
Email us or leave your advice in the comments section below. The best responses will be featured in my blog article.
We want to know how you navigated the engagement ring process. Did you put off popping the question in order to save for the perfect ring? Did you say "f*ck it" and buy a placeholder until you could afford what you really wanted? Did you involve her in the process or, like us, do you think letting her choose the ring is the lowest form of manhood?
Email us or leave your advice in the comments section below. The best responses will be featured in my blog article.
The Only Acceptable Way To End Things With A Girl 2
Much like you would never burn a bridge with a client, it is never worthwhile to leave a woman with a poor opinion of you.
I told her the truth. I told her that we had fun, but I am not in
the same place and that we should both move on. She thanked me for my
honesty and we parted ways as well as I could have expected. I felt
better and she got the honesty she deserved. By taking the initiative, I
avoided finding myself again with vodka and cranberry juice dripping
down my face after a spiteful former lover expressed her disapproval of
my complete avoidance tactic. True story. The fact is, there was a
benefit to taking control. I treated her with common courtesy, and that
will make it easy to meet her gaze should we run into each other.
Much like you would never burn a bridge with a client, it is never worthwhile to leave a woman with a poor opinion of you. The world is a small place, and we never know where mishandling a relationship can come back and bite us. Reputation is a powerful thing, and given how easily people can get in touch via social media, it can precede you more easily than ever. If your particular reputation starts involving numerous incidents of abandonment without explanation, you’re in for some awkward conversations. Believe it.
The flip side to this is that a good reputation can start having some real positive effects on your dating life. If it didn’t work with the girl you met at that party, but you ended things with class and a dose of respect, that same girl may know other girls you are interested in pursuing. Now when she is asked about you, much as she may want to hang you out to dry, she’ll probably admit you’re a stand-up guy. “Sure, he ended it, but he wasn’t a jerk about it. Maybe you guys will be a better fit” is much better than, “He’s an asshole. He just completely blew me off.” People talk, and if you travel in a relatively small social circle, it is important to manage these awkward endings with as much decency as possible.
It’s worth mentioning before I sign off that I’m talking specifically about relationships that haven’t turned serious yet. Breaking up from a committed relationship obviously requires a different approach. But making an exit before things get serious can only be handled one way. You need to be straightforward. You need to make it clear that you are happy to have tried, but are moving on. At the very least, she will have to respect that, and, at most, she will speak highly of you for doing so. Everyone deserves closure. Think of it as a favor to your future self.
Much like you would never burn a bridge with a client, it is never worthwhile to leave a woman with a poor opinion of you. The world is a small place, and we never know where mishandling a relationship can come back and bite us. Reputation is a powerful thing, and given how easily people can get in touch via social media, it can precede you more easily than ever. If your particular reputation starts involving numerous incidents of abandonment without explanation, you’re in for some awkward conversations. Believe it.
The flip side to this is that a good reputation can start having some real positive effects on your dating life. If it didn’t work with the girl you met at that party, but you ended things with class and a dose of respect, that same girl may know other girls you are interested in pursuing. Now when she is asked about you, much as she may want to hang you out to dry, she’ll probably admit you’re a stand-up guy. “Sure, he ended it, but he wasn’t a jerk about it. Maybe you guys will be a better fit” is much better than, “He’s an asshole. He just completely blew me off.” People talk, and if you travel in a relatively small social circle, it is important to manage these awkward endings with as much decency as possible.
It’s worth mentioning before I sign off that I’m talking specifically about relationships that haven’t turned serious yet. Breaking up from a committed relationship obviously requires a different approach. But making an exit before things get serious can only be handled one way. You need to be straightforward. You need to make it clear that you are happy to have tried, but are moving on. At the very least, she will have to respect that, and, at most, she will speak highly of you for doing so. Everyone deserves closure. Think of it as a favor to your future self.
The Only Acceptable Way To End Things With A Girl
Sometimes it only takes a few dates to realize she’s not right for you,
but those few dates mean you owe her some kind of gesture.
Nobody likes being blown off. Over the course of my illustrious dating career, I have been broken up with, rejected before I could open my mouth and dismissed outright. You can’t expect to get out there and not take some hits -- they’re par for the course. I’m not here to lament those ego blows we take when we stick our necks out to meet someone new. I’m talking about the unexpected hits we take when we’ve met a woman, things are progressing and, suddenly, without warning, we’re checking to see if our phones are still working. There’s a brief period of denial followed by a numbing disbelief. Wasn’t it going well? What the hell happened?
I have a deep resentment for the unexplained-radio-silence move. For that reason, I do everything I can to be sensitive to women I decide not to pursue after the initial stage of courtship. Breaking up with someone after only a few dates is a little bit like firing someone you haven’t hired yet. It’s awkward, it feels almost unnecessary -- but it’s a situation that is virtually inevitable if you’re single. Sometimes it only takes a few dates to realize she’s not right for you, but those few dates mean you owe her some kind of gesture. I have been in many discussions with friends about what our responsibility is at this stage, and I always come back to a basic rule: Do unto others as you would have done to you. Silence is the easy way out, but it may come back to haunt you.
As always, passivity is the worst course of action. I have tested this theory a number of ways in my life: standing at the back of a line to a club hoping to get in (had a great night reading wall graffiti), ignoring a problem at work (spent weekends trying to repair the damage instead of waiting in line at clubs) and, of course, blowing off a young lady after a few dates by not returning calls or texts (confronted while in line at the club in front of others). We know there are ways to manage these situations, but we too often choose to sit back and hope for the best. This is called the path of least resistance.
You may think you’re strategically cutting your losses when you launch “operation ignore her existence,” but this swiftly changes when she decides to launch “operation not-so-fast-buddy.” By this point you have relinquished control and have no way of predicting the volatility that may follow. You have no way of knowing if she is going to decide to call you an asshole in front of your new date when you bump in to her again. All you had to do was grab the wheel, and you could have steered the ship into calmer waters.
I found myself on a fourth date some years back. Each night out was an escalation of things, both sexually and, to a certain extent, in terms of our personal connection. But I was checked out. She was great, but I wasn’t looking for someone to introduce to my mother. True, maybe I could have let this nugget of information slip before we landed on my futon on that last date, but I was curious to see if the sexual chemistry would change the dynamic and maybe increase my level of interest. Also, I wanted to have sex. We did. It didn’t.
Many male friends suggested I slink quietly into the background and do what many refer to as the “slow fade-out.” But then it occurred to me that I would really hate if that was done to me. Actually, it occurred to me that it had happened to me in the not too distant past, and it had left me reeling. So when I was confronted with the shoe being on the other foot, I decided to go against the grain of my male posse and take an original approach.
Nobody likes being blown off. Over the course of my illustrious dating career, I have been broken up with, rejected before I could open my mouth and dismissed outright. You can’t expect to get out there and not take some hits -- they’re par for the course. I’m not here to lament those ego blows we take when we stick our necks out to meet someone new. I’m talking about the unexpected hits we take when we’ve met a woman, things are progressing and, suddenly, without warning, we’re checking to see if our phones are still working. There’s a brief period of denial followed by a numbing disbelief. Wasn’t it going well? What the hell happened?
I have a deep resentment for the unexplained-radio-silence move. For that reason, I do everything I can to be sensitive to women I decide not to pursue after the initial stage of courtship. Breaking up with someone after only a few dates is a little bit like firing someone you haven’t hired yet. It’s awkward, it feels almost unnecessary -- but it’s a situation that is virtually inevitable if you’re single. Sometimes it only takes a few dates to realize she’s not right for you, but those few dates mean you owe her some kind of gesture. I have been in many discussions with friends about what our responsibility is at this stage, and I always come back to a basic rule: Do unto others as you would have done to you. Silence is the easy way out, but it may come back to haunt you.
As always, passivity is the worst course of action. I have tested this theory a number of ways in my life: standing at the back of a line to a club hoping to get in (had a great night reading wall graffiti), ignoring a problem at work (spent weekends trying to repair the damage instead of waiting in line at clubs) and, of course, blowing off a young lady after a few dates by not returning calls or texts (confronted while in line at the club in front of others). We know there are ways to manage these situations, but we too often choose to sit back and hope for the best. This is called the path of least resistance.
You may think you’re strategically cutting your losses when you launch “operation ignore her existence,” but this swiftly changes when she decides to launch “operation not-so-fast-buddy.” By this point you have relinquished control and have no way of predicting the volatility that may follow. You have no way of knowing if she is going to decide to call you an asshole in front of your new date when you bump in to her again. All you had to do was grab the wheel, and you could have steered the ship into calmer waters.
I found myself on a fourth date some years back. Each night out was an escalation of things, both sexually and, to a certain extent, in terms of our personal connection. But I was checked out. She was great, but I wasn’t looking for someone to introduce to my mother. True, maybe I could have let this nugget of information slip before we landed on my futon on that last date, but I was curious to see if the sexual chemistry would change the dynamic and maybe increase my level of interest. Also, I wanted to have sex. We did. It didn’t.
Many male friends suggested I slink quietly into the background and do what many refer to as the “slow fade-out.” But then it occurred to me that I would really hate if that was done to me. Actually, it occurred to me that it had happened to me in the not too distant past, and it had left me reeling. So when I was confronted with the shoe being on the other foot, I decided to go against the grain of my male posse and take an original approach.
Which has us thinking: How did you navigate the engagement ring process
We came in to work this morning and were shocked to hear that 19-year-old Miley Cyrus is engaged and sporting a 3.5-carat diamond ring. And then a few weeks ago, there was the outcry from Mark Zuckerberg's
"thrift" in the ring department (he's estimated to have spent a meastly
$25,000 on his bride's bling). Our conclusion: This proposal stuff is
complicated and often defies reason.
We want to know how you navigated the engagement ring process. Did you put off popping the question in order to save for the perfect ring? Did you say "f*ck it" and buy a placeholder until you could afford what you really wanted? Did you involve her in the process or, like us, do you think letting her choose the ring is the lowest form of manhood?
Email us or leave your advice in the comments section below. The best responses will be featured in an http://fsxv-connect-friends.blogspot.com/ article.
We want to know how you navigated the engagement ring process. Did you put off popping the question in order to save for the perfect ring? Did you say "f*ck it" and buy a placeholder until you could afford what you really wanted? Did you involve her in the process or, like us, do you think letting her choose the ring is the lowest form of manhood?
Email us or leave your advice in the comments section below. The best responses will be featured in an http://fsxv-connect-friends.blogspot.com/ article.
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