You will remember that leaping stream
where sweet aromas rose and trembled,
and sometimes a bird, wearing water
and slowness, its winter feathers.
You will remember those gifts from the earth:
indelible scents, gold clay,
weeds in the thicket and crazy roots,
magical thorns like swords.
You'll remember the bouquet you picked,
shadows and silent water,
bouquet like a foam-covered stone.
That time was like never, and like always.
So we go there, where nothing is waiting;
we find everything waiting there.
Maybe you'll remember...
Maybe you'll remember that razor-faced man
who slipped out from the dark like a blade
and -- before we realized -- knew what was there:
he saw the smoke and concluded fire.
The pallid woman with black hair
rose like a fish from the abyss,
and the two of them built up a contraption,
armed to the teeth, against love.
Man and woman, they felled mountains and gardens,
they went down to the river, they scaled the walls,
they hoisted their atrocious artillery up the hill.
Then love knew it was called love.
And when I lifted my eyes to your name,
suddenly your heart showed me my way.
who slipped out from the dark like a blade
and -- before we realized -- knew what was there:
he saw the smoke and concluded fire.
The pallid woman with black hair
rose like a fish from the abyss,
and the two of them built up a contraption,
armed to the teeth, against love.
Man and woman, they felled mountains and gardens,
they went down to the river, they scaled the walls,
they hoisted their atrocious artillery up the hill.
Then love knew it was called love.
And when I lifted my eyes to your name,
suddenly your heart showed me my way.
Don't go far off...
Don't go far off, not even for a day, because --
because -- I don't know how to say it:
a day is long and I will be waiting for you,
as in an empty station when the trains are parked off somewhere else,
asleep.
Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home
will drift into me, choking my lost heart.
Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,
because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?
because -- I don't know how to say it:
a day is long and I will be waiting for you,
as in an empty station when the trains are parked off somewhere else,
asleep.
Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home
will drift into me, choking my lost heart.
Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,
because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?
I crave your mouth...
I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.
I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.
I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,
and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
Like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.
I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.
I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,
and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
Like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.
Love
Because of you, in gardens of blossoming flowers
I ache from the perfumes of spring.
I have forgotten your face,
I no longer remember your hands;
how did your lips feel on mine?
Because of you, I love the white statues drowsing in the parks
the white statues that have neither voice nor sight.
I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice;
I have forgotten your eyes.
Like a flower to its perfume,
I am bound to my vague memory of you.
I live with pain that is like a wound;
if you touch me, you will do me irreparable harm.
Your caresses enfold me,
like climbing vines on melancholy walls.
I have forgotten your love,
yet I seem to glimpse you in every window.
Because of you, the heady perfumes of summer pain me;
because of you, I again seek out the signs that precipitates desires:
shooting stars and falling objects.
I ache from the perfumes of spring.
I have forgotten your face,
I no longer remember your hands;
how did your lips feel on mine?
Because of you, I love the white statues drowsing in the parks
the white statues that have neither voice nor sight.
I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice;
I have forgotten your eyes.
Like a flower to its perfume,
I am bound to my vague memory of you.
I live with pain that is like a wound;
if you touch me, you will do me irreparable harm.
Your caresses enfold me,
like climbing vines on melancholy walls.
I have forgotten your love,
yet I seem to glimpse you in every window.
Because of you, the heady perfumes of summer pain me;
because of you, I again seek out the signs that precipitates desires:
shooting stars and falling objects.
Tonight I Can Write...
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write for example, "The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance."
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her,
and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her.
To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night,
still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered
and she is not with me.
This is all.
In the distance someone is singing.
In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her,
and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain,
but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's.
Like my kisses before.
Her bright body.
Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain,
but maybe I love her.
Love is so short,
forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Thought this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.
Write for example, "The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance."
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her,
and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her.
To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night,
still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered
and she is not with me.
This is all.
In the distance someone is singing.
In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her,
and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain,
but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's.
Like my kisses before.
Her bright body.
Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain,
but maybe I love her.
Love is so short,
forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Thought this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.
I Like for You to be Still
I like for you to be still:
it is as though you were absent,
and you hear me from far away
and my voice does not touch you.
It seems as though your eyes had flown away
and it seems that a kiss had sealed your mouth.
As all things are filled with my soul
you emerge from the things,
filled with my soul.
You are like my soul,
a butterfly of dream,
and you are like the word Melancholy.
I like for you to be still
and you seem far away.
It sounds as though you were lamenting,
a butterly cooing like a dove.
And you hear me from far away, and my voice does not reach you:
Let me come down to be still in your silence.
And let me talk to you with your silence
that is bright as a lamp, simple as a ring.
You are like the night,
with its stillness and constellations.
Your silence is that of a star,
as remote and candid.
I like for you to be still:
it is as though you were absent,
distant and full of sorrow as though you had died.
One word then, one smile, is enough.
And I am happy,
happy that it's not true.
it is as though you were absent,
and you hear me from far away
and my voice does not touch you.
It seems as though your eyes had flown away
and it seems that a kiss had sealed your mouth.
As all things are filled with my soul
you emerge from the things,
filled with my soul.
You are like my soul,
a butterfly of dream,
and you are like the word Melancholy.
I like for you to be still
and you seem far away.
It sounds as though you were lamenting,
a butterly cooing like a dove.
And you hear me from far away, and my voice does not reach you:
Let me come down to be still in your silence.
And let me talk to you with your silence
that is bright as a lamp, simple as a ring.
You are like the night,
with its stillness and constellations.
Your silence is that of a star,
as remote and candid.
I like for you to be still:
it is as though you were absent,
distant and full of sorrow as though you had died.
One word then, one smile, is enough.
And I am happy,
happy that it's not true.
I do not love you...
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
If You Forget Me
I want you to know
one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you, little by little.
If suddenly
you forget me,
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you, little by little.
If suddenly
you forget me,
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
5 Ways To Score A Second Date
According to scientists, men know whether or not a woman has long-term
potential within a few minutes of meeting her. When I first heard that, I
felt a lot of pressure to perform on first dates. But then I realized
it’s not the woman who needs to come off well in that situation -- it’s
the guy. After all, if you think she’s awesome, you need to make sure
you can show her you’re awesome enough to go out with again. And while I
can’t make you dress well, smell better, or work out more often, I can tell you how to behave on a first date so that you score a second date.
1. Ask Her Questions
Women enjoy talking -- studies have shown we tend to communicate verbally more often than dudes -- so ask her questions about where she grew up, what her job is like, what sorts of hobbies she has, and what her favorite My Little Pony was. Women often naturally take on the role of an interviewer on dates, so you needn’t worry about it becoming a one-sided conversation; she’ll still ask you about how you got that cool scar on your chin. And then you can tell her all about the time you faced down a lion with nothing but a whip on a circus train hurtling through the desert when you were a teenager.2. Be Nice To Other People
We notice when you’re short with the waitress, or you only leave the bartender a measly $1 tip on a $25 bar tab… and then we assume you’re an undercover assh*le who’ll cheat on us with a stripper. Is that a little presumptuous? Yes. But this is how our minds work. Being needlessly rude to anyone on date No. 1 can easily sink your chances for date No. 2, so cover your bases and be nice and generous. (That’s good advice anytime, actually.)3. Pick Up The Tab
I know that going Dutch makes sense -- the economy stinks, she has a job just like you, you may not even know each other all that well -- but if you don’t at least make a sincere offer to pick up the tab, you very well may not get a second date. (Hey, we push eight-pound mini humans out of our vaginas; the least you can do is pay for some chicken and a couple glasses of wine.) When the bill comes, reach for it immediately and slide it toward you. If she offers to split it, politely but adamantly decline -- or suavely suggest that she buy you an after-dinner drink instead. However, if she nearly has an aneurism insisting over and over again that you split it, just let her; no one wants to have a screaming match over who’s paying, and besides, there’s a good chance she’s so insistent because she knows she doesn’t want a second date.4. Go In For A Kiss
Patti Stanger is the star of Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker, which I’m sure you already knew since you’re a huge fan of the show. Anyway, she has at least one piece of good advice: At the end of the night, if you don’t give your date a romantic smooch, you have severely increased your chances of landing in the dreaded friend zone. And guys in the friend zone don’t usually land date No. 2. I happen to think a vertical, fully-clothed make out sesh on someone’s couch is the way to go. But if your date isn’t as slutty as I am, go in for the kill after walking her to her car or front door.5. Follow The Two-Day Rule
If you make contact the very next day, you risk coming off as too eager. But by the third day of radio silence, she starts to think she’s never going to hear from you again, and then she starts to justify why she’s, like, totally OK with that: the slight gap between your teeth, the fact that you’re a loud breather, the fact that you wore sneakers on the date. Before you know it, her friends are telling her she can do better than you. (I know it sounds crazy, but again, this is just the way it works.) So I highly recommend following the two-day rule; get in touch with her no more and no less than a couple days after your first date. What should say? A simple “Thursday night was fun! Do you have plans next Friday?” will do just fine.7 Tips On Finding Love From The Bachelor Himself
If he [my dog] constantly growls at the person... I would have to give it some serious thought.
If anyone knows how to find love, it's Ben Flajnik, this season's bachelor on The Bachelor, the show all the women in your life are probably watching tonight (it's the final episode). He had to sort through 25 beautiful women to find the woman of his dreams. Here are seven ways, according to Ben, to figure out if the potential is there for real love.
If anyone knows how to find love, it's Ben Flajnik, this season's bachelor on The Bachelor, the show all the women in your life are probably watching tonight (it's the final episode). He had to sort through 25 beautiful women to find the woman of his dreams. Here are seven ways, according to Ben, to figure out if the potential is there for real love.
1. take them on an adrenaline date
"Obviously I can't close down streets in SF on a regular basis and take multiple women out at once, but I do feel that the interactions I have on these over the top dates are what's real. I may be on top of the Bay Bridge, but it's still just two people getting to know one another and going through experiences together. Any partner can plan an adrenaline date to really see how they can bond as a couple. It doesn't have to be climbing the Bay Bridge, but anyone can go bungee jumping or kayaking to get a thrill."2. Be open
"I think the most important thing is to be open to finding love. If you are open to it, and your intentions are pure, then it can work."3. Choose someone who has dealt with their hang-ups
"I do think that if someone hasn't dealt with their hang-ups or emotions effectively, it can hinder a relationship, but if you're willing to communicate with your partner and know what you want, it can work."4. Encourage communication
"For me, the clearest sign that a woman is in love with me is that she communicates with me and tells me how she feels and really listens to me when I tell her what I'm feeling. It can make or break a relationship."5. Your dog likes her
"Scotch [Ben's dog] likes everybody pretty much, so I don't know if I would use his judgment to make a life partner decision. If he constantly growls at the person, though, I would have to give it some serious thought."6. Choose someone who has life experience
"Divorce doesn't scare me off. It's a learning experience, especially if that person was young when they got married. I'm all about someone having life experience, as long as they've learned from it."7. Make Sure She's Not Using You
"I'm all for treating a woman, but not if I feel she's taking advantage of it. Fortunately, I haven't had to deal with that too much. Most of the women I've gone out with are pretty cool and are looking for [their] counterpart, not someone to take care of them in that way."How To Win An Argument With Your Girlfriend
Avoid this expression and any variation of it... at all costs.
You are going to get into it with your significant other every so often. It’s no fun for either party, but as a woman, I’m willing to concede that it’s even less fun for men. Why? Because women can express their emotions like it’s nobody’s business. And guys? Not so much.
And since we already have the upper hand, I thought it only fair to share a few tricks to help you emerge victorious from battle… or at least with fewer scars than usual.
You are going to get into it with your significant other every so often. It’s no fun for either party, but as a woman, I’m willing to concede that it’s even less fun for men. Why? Because women can express their emotions like it’s nobody’s business. And guys? Not so much.
And since we already have the upper hand, I thought it only fair to share a few tricks to help you emerge victorious from battle… or at least with fewer scars than usual.
Don’t Tell Her to “Relax”
There is nothing more inflammatory than the r-word. Especially when it’s flippantly thrown in the face of a woman who is already on her last good nerve. And since it’s impossible to rationally discuss an issue with a red-eyed, fire-breathing dragon (which is pretty much what I turn into whenever a guy says that word to me), I urge you to avoid this expression and any variation of it -- settle down, take it easy, etc. -- at all costs.Talk In the First Person
Instead of saying something like, “You don’t appreciate me,” try, “I feel like I’m not being heard when …” or “I don’t feel appreciated when …” It may seem like a small thing, but sentences that start with “I” sound much less accusatory than ones that start with “you.” And when your girlfriend doesn’t feel like she’s being verbally attacked, she’ll be more open to hearing what you have to say. And that may even lead to her apologizing. Maybe.Leave Your Friends’ Opinions Out of It
Every woman’s greatest fear in life, aside from dating an axe murderer and the possibility that her daily non-fat latte actually contains lard, is getting stuck with the “crazy” label. So even if all of your buddies think that she’s being totally ridiculous for expecting you to do something like text her while you’re hanging out with them, she doesn’t need to know they think she’s nuts. A) They’re your friends, so of course they’re going to have your back. B) Telling her will only make her feel awkward around the friends you name the next time she sees them. And C) It’s guaranteed to drag your argument into overtime -- and that severely damages your chances of coming out on top.Don’t Make Empty Threats
The United States of America does not respond kindly to threats, and neither does your girlfriend. So if you give her an ultimatum -- “Unfriend your ex and quit following him on Twitter or we’re so done” -- you better be prepared to follow through. Women are nasty mental ninjas who will call your bluff, which will either force you to follow through and leave, or back down with your balls in hand.Fib If You Need To
File this tip away, because if you don’t need it soon, you’ll definitely find use for it down the road. When a woman gives you the stink-eye and hisses, “You don’t even know what you did, do you?” Lie. Nod your head, and ask her if she wants to talk about it, or if she needs time to cool off. It’s like those “Need a moment?” Twix commercials -- she’ll be so caught off guard by your response that she’ll falter, giving you a few precious seconds to rack your brain, identify your offense, and get a stronger game plan in orderHow To Get A Second Date
We push eight-pound mini humans out of our vaginas; the least you can do is pay for some chicken and a couple glasses of wine.
According to scientists, men know whether or not a woman has long-term potential within a few minutes of meeting her. When I first heard that, I felt a lot of pressure to perform on first dates. But then I realized it’s not the woman who needs to come off well in that situation -- it’s the guy. After all, if you think she’s awesome, you need to make sure you can show her you’re awesome enough to go out with again. And while I can’t make you dress well, smell better, or work out more often, I can tell you how to behave on a first date so that you score a second date.
According to scientists, men know whether or not a woman has long-term potential within a few minutes of meeting her. When I first heard that, I felt a lot of pressure to perform on first dates. But then I realized it’s not the woman who needs to come off well in that situation -- it’s the guy. After all, if you think she’s awesome, you need to make sure you can show her you’re awesome enough to go out with again. And while I can’t make you dress well, smell better, or work out more often, I can tell you how to behave on a first date so that you score a second date.
1. Ask Her Questions
Women enjoy talking -- studies have shown we tend to communicate verbally more often than dudes -- so ask her questions about where she grew up, what her job is like, what sorts of hobbies she has, and what her favorite My Little Pony was. Women often naturally take on the role of an interviewer on dates, so you needn’t worry about it becoming a one-sided conversation; she’ll still ask you about how you got that cool scar on your chin. And then you can tell her all about the time you faced down a lion with nothing but a whip on a circus train hurtling through the desert when you were a teenager.2. Be Nice To Other People
We notice when you’re short with the waitress, or you only leave the bartender a measly $1 tip on a $25 bar tab… and then we assume you’re an undercover assh*le who’ll cheat on us with a stripper. Is that a little presumptuous? Yes. But this is how our minds work. Being needlessly rude to anyone on date No. 1 can easily sink your chances for date No. 2, so cover your bases and be nice and generous. (That’s good advice anytime, actually.)3. Pick Up The Tab
I know that going Dutch makes sense -- the economy stinks, she has a job just like you, you may not even know each other all that well -- but if you don’t at least make a sincere offer to pick up the tab, you very well may not get a second date. (Hey, we push eight-pound mini humans out of our vaginas; the least you can do is pay for some chicken and a couple glasses of wine.) When the bill comes, reach for it immediately and slide it toward you. If she offers to split it, politely but adamantly decline -- or suavely suggest that she buy you an after-dinner drink instead. However, if she nearly has an aneurism insisting over and over again that you split it, just let her; no one wants to have a screaming match over who’s paying, and besides, there’s a good chance she’s so insistent because she knows she doesn’t want a second date.4. Go In For A Kiss
Patti Stanger is the star of Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker, which I’m sure you already knew since you’re a huge fan of the show. Anyway, she has at least one piece of good advice: At the end of the night, if you don’t give your date a romantic smooch, you have severely increased your chances of landing in the dreaded friend zone. And guys in the friend zone don’t usually land date No. 2. I happen to think a vertical, fully-clothed make out sesh on someone’s couch is the way to go. But if your date isn’t as slutty as I am, go in for the kill after walking her to her car or front door.5. Follow The Two-Day Rule
If you make contact the very next day, you risk coming off as too eager. But by the third day of radio silence, she starts to think she’s never going to hear from you again, and then she starts to justify why she’s, like, totally OK with that: the slight gap between your teeth, the fact that you’re a loud breather, the fact that you wore sneakers on the date. Before you know it, her friends are telling her she can do better than you. (I know it sounds crazy, but again, this is just the way it works.) So I highly recommend following the two-day rule; get in touch with her no more and no less than a couple days after your first date. What should say? A simple “Thursday night was fun! Do you have plans next Friday?” will do just fine.Why Open Relationships Can Work
I loved the feeling that life was full of endless possibility, and that
on any given day I might have a threesome, or go home with a stranger
from a karaoke bar..."
What's the payoff to avoiding monogamy?
A NON-MONOGAMOUS LADY: Why don't we start by casting our minds far, far back to the world of monogamy?
A NON-MONOGAMOUS DUDE: Time travel!
ANML: Flashback!
ANMD: Wavy lines!
ANML: Why didn’t monogamy work for you?
ANMD: I liked monogamy! In retrospect, it’s comforting in that it is possible to not discuss a lot of complicated feelings about your relationship, and you can enjoy a comfortable, loving union whilst minimizing territorialness and jealousy.
ANML: "Comfortable" being the operative word.
ANMD: Yes. It's comfortable. Unfortunately, in my experience, comfortableness often becomes complacency. And as the relationship persists, it becomes unhappier by barely perceptible degrees, and I find myself becoming discontented -- though I’m not sure exactly why -- and I get to a point where I feel that my relationship is being held together by inertia alone. I take my partner for granted, I get taken for granted, and we’re doomed. I have a feeling that monogamy may play a substantial role in this degradation.
ANML: It may! Is it my turn now?
ANMD: Lay it on me, co-skipper.
ANML: My experience with long-term monogamy was similar to yours. I didn't hate being monogamous, and I didn't have a hard time staying faithful or anything. For me, it wasn't so much that I hated monogamy -- it was that I LOVED being single. It was a complete amazement to me, how much I loved being single.
ANMD: You had been in a relationship for a long time, so singledom must have been quite a revelation.
ANML: It was like night and day. I loved flirting. I loved one-night stands. I loved the feeling that life was full of endless possibility, and that on any given day I might have a threesome, or go home with a stranger from a karaoke bar, or hitch a ride on the back of a Vespa and then kiss the driver.
ANMD: (NB: All these things happened.)
ANML: I'm not a very adventurous person in most ways. I don't have much of a yen to travel. I get agoraphobia if there aren't enough buildings around. Extreme sports are anathema to me.
ANMD: But man -- X-treme sex?
ANML: That’s my adventure! I didn’t know it until I was single, but that’s what makes me feel alive and curious and engaged with the world. So I was incredibly happy with my life, with no intention of changing it. But then I met you.
ANMD: On the day of our meeting, an eagle dropped a snake on a rock in Washington Square Park. All sorts of portentous.
ANML: I agonized over it. Christ, I didn't want to be in a relationship again! But on the other hand, I was crazy about you and wanted to be with you every second!
ANMD: This was reciprocated. My situation was a bit different. When I started dating you I was just out of a long monogamous relationship, and I was not at all ready to dive into a similarly monogamous relationship immediately.
ANML: Non-monogamy was the obvious solution.
What's the payoff to avoiding monogamy?
A NON-MONOGAMOUS LADY: Why don't we start by casting our minds far, far back to the world of monogamy?
A NON-MONOGAMOUS DUDE: Time travel!
ANML: Flashback!
ANMD: Wavy lines!
ANML: Why didn’t monogamy work for you?
ANMD: I liked monogamy! In retrospect, it’s comforting in that it is possible to not discuss a lot of complicated feelings about your relationship, and you can enjoy a comfortable, loving union whilst minimizing territorialness and jealousy.
ANML: "Comfortable" being the operative word.
ANMD: Yes. It's comfortable. Unfortunately, in my experience, comfortableness often becomes complacency. And as the relationship persists, it becomes unhappier by barely perceptible degrees, and I find myself becoming discontented -- though I’m not sure exactly why -- and I get to a point where I feel that my relationship is being held together by inertia alone. I take my partner for granted, I get taken for granted, and we’re doomed. I have a feeling that monogamy may play a substantial role in this degradation.
ANML: It may! Is it my turn now?
ANMD: Lay it on me, co-skipper.
ANML: My experience with long-term monogamy was similar to yours. I didn't hate being monogamous, and I didn't have a hard time staying faithful or anything. For me, it wasn't so much that I hated monogamy -- it was that I LOVED being single. It was a complete amazement to me, how much I loved being single.
ANMD: You had been in a relationship for a long time, so singledom must have been quite a revelation.
ANML: It was like night and day. I loved flirting. I loved one-night stands. I loved the feeling that life was full of endless possibility, and that on any given day I might have a threesome, or go home with a stranger from a karaoke bar, or hitch a ride on the back of a Vespa and then kiss the driver.
ANMD: (NB: All these things happened.)
ANML: I'm not a very adventurous person in most ways. I don't have much of a yen to travel. I get agoraphobia if there aren't enough buildings around. Extreme sports are anathema to me.
ANMD: But man -- X-treme sex?
ANML: That’s my adventure! I didn’t know it until I was single, but that’s what makes me feel alive and curious and engaged with the world. So I was incredibly happy with my life, with no intention of changing it. But then I met you.
ANMD: On the day of our meeting, an eagle dropped a snake on a rock in Washington Square Park. All sorts of portentous.
ANML: I agonized over it. Christ, I didn't want to be in a relationship again! But on the other hand, I was crazy about you and wanted to be with you every second!
ANMD: This was reciprocated. My situation was a bit different. When I started dating you I was just out of a long monogamous relationship, and I was not at all ready to dive into a similarly monogamous relationship immediately.
ANML: Non-monogamy was the obvious solution.
Why Open Relationships Can Work 2
You know the way monogamous couples have sex after one of them returns
from a long trip away? That's how we have sex all the time.
ANMD: In an open relationship, not only are you not shackled by your partner, but also, excepting occasional emotional roadblocks and Feelings that need to be addressed, you're on your adventure with them!
ANML: And that makes it even better.
ANMD: It's so awesome. And the communication is amazing.
ANML: What?
ANMD: Ha.
ANML: Sorry. Go on.
ANMD: Only in this relationship do I realize how little I communicated, how emotionally closed I was with my previous partners.
ANML: Yes!! I look back on my previous relationships and I can't believe how uncommunicative I was. It's like I had taken a Vow of Silence about my feelings. The only thing that mattered was getting along, avoiding conflict, never being high-maintenance or, God forbid, needy.
ANMD: An open relationship is Communication Bootcamp. It can’t survive without free and frequent airing of feelings, so it forces you to talk, talk, talk.
ANML: Which is more fun than it sounds, I promise!
ANMD: Talking becomes easier and easier, and you become happier and happier with the solid emotional foundations you’re building with your partner.
ANML: It's the most incredible feeling, knowing that you can say anything and still be safe and loved.
ANMD: Tell me something crazy about yourself!
ANML: Okay! Then you tell me something you've never told anybody before! And then let's hold each other and make out!
[SUPER INTENSE CONVERSATION REDACTED]
[SUPER INTENSE MAKEOUTS REDACTED]
ANMD: I’m going to run out of secrets!
ANML: We should all have such problems.
ANMD: Shall we talk about Reclamation Sex?
ANML: Sure! You know the way monogamous couples have sex after one of them returns from a long trip away? That's how we have sex all the time.
ANMD: Seriously. It's ridiculous. The first time I ever saw someone outside the relationship, you were worried that Everything Would Be Ruined between us. Instead, it was electric -- I just couldn't resist you. I longed for the familiarity and the closeness we shared, but at the same time I wanted to frenziedly reaffirm my love. And it was awesome. It’s like make-up sex, but there wasn't a fight.
And it seems like that's the way it always is. I adore you. Nobody captivates me like you, and nobody can f*ck me like you can. I'm with you because I want to be with you, because you are the best for me.
ANML: It's really just a game, because we know that at the end of the day, no matter what we do with other people, we're always going to come home to each other.
ANMD: Yes. It’s wonderful.
ANML: We don't know how long it will last. We've talked about the possibility of eventually becoming monogamous, but neither of us feels ready. Maybe one day we'll decide that our adventure has changed and doesn't involve sex with other people anymore. But right now this is the adventure we're on, and I can speak only for myself, but it's the greatest adventure of my life.
ANMD: In an open relationship, not only are you not shackled by your partner, but also, excepting occasional emotional roadblocks and Feelings that need to be addressed, you're on your adventure with them!
ANML: And that makes it even better.
ANMD: It's so awesome. And the communication is amazing.
ANML: What?
ANMD: Ha.
ANML: Sorry. Go on.
ANMD: Only in this relationship do I realize how little I communicated, how emotionally closed I was with my previous partners.
ANML: Yes!! I look back on my previous relationships and I can't believe how uncommunicative I was. It's like I had taken a Vow of Silence about my feelings. The only thing that mattered was getting along, avoiding conflict, never being high-maintenance or, God forbid, needy.
ANMD: An open relationship is Communication Bootcamp. It can’t survive without free and frequent airing of feelings, so it forces you to talk, talk, talk.
ANML: Which is more fun than it sounds, I promise!
ANMD: Talking becomes easier and easier, and you become happier and happier with the solid emotional foundations you’re building with your partner.
ANML: It's the most incredible feeling, knowing that you can say anything and still be safe and loved.
ANMD: Tell me something crazy about yourself!
ANML: Okay! Then you tell me something you've never told anybody before! And then let's hold each other and make out!
[SUPER INTENSE CONVERSATION REDACTED]
[SUPER INTENSE MAKEOUTS REDACTED]
ANMD: I’m going to run out of secrets!
ANML: We should all have such problems.
ANMD: Shall we talk about Reclamation Sex?
ANML: Sure! You know the way monogamous couples have sex after one of them returns from a long trip away? That's how we have sex all the time.
ANMD: Seriously. It's ridiculous. The first time I ever saw someone outside the relationship, you were worried that Everything Would Be Ruined between us. Instead, it was electric -- I just couldn't resist you. I longed for the familiarity and the closeness we shared, but at the same time I wanted to frenziedly reaffirm my love. And it was awesome. It’s like make-up sex, but there wasn't a fight.
And it seems like that's the way it always is. I adore you. Nobody captivates me like you, and nobody can f*ck me like you can. I'm with you because I want to be with you, because you are the best for me.
ANML: It's really just a game, because we know that at the end of the day, no matter what we do with other people, we're always going to come home to each other.
ANMD: Yes. It’s wonderful.
ANML: We don't know how long it will last. We've talked about the possibility of eventually becoming monogamous, but neither of us feels ready. Maybe one day we'll decide that our adventure has changed and doesn't involve sex with other people anymore. But right now this is the adventure we're on, and I can speak only for myself, but it's the greatest adventure of my life.
Can You Be In A Relationship And Still Be A Party Animal?
Is it possible to sniff cocaine off a stripper's nipple and then have a quiz night with red wine just 24 hours later?
It's Friday night, and you've been invited to dinner with your girlfriend's besties (yup, women actually say "besties") for a night that has been promised to be chaotic, mental and wild. There's one other couple in the group, but they leave as soon as post-dinner drinks are mentioned.
But you're not like them, are you? It's payday and you're looking to get messy, so you get a round of shots for the group. Even though they seem to appreciate the move, not one person has left their seat all night, as the crammed dance floor heaves with excitement. At 12:30 a.m., your girlfriend asks you to leave with her, a request that is paired with a hint of a sexual favor. You leave, get a kebab and before you can even say the words “broken promises,” she's asleep and you're not.
But can you live both lives without compensating? Is it possible to sniff cocaine off a stripper’s nipple and then have a quiz night with red wine just 24 hours later? Absolutely not. But it's quite easy to enjoy a loving relationship that doesn't have a curfew.
Another thing that needs to be controlled is being sneaky. Being sneaky is never fun, always ends in a fight and puts you at constant unease. It's important that, from day one, you set a precedent for the rest of your relationship. Meaning, don't be a dick and ensure that, in terms of your sex life, you lock that away firmly in your girlfriend's closet and leave it there. Don't text other girls you've been with, don't tempt yourself into a Facebook message exchange with someone you would happily do the no-pants dance with and leave the sex chat at home.
This may seem irrelevant and a bit extreme, but what you don't realize is that when you're out with your friends, you're in your comfort zone -- a place where nothing bothers you, and all that is on your mind is fun. The last thing you want in these situations is the addition of an ingredient that could tense you up and cut the night short. If you open up your life to someone intimately (stay with me, fellas), then you should be happy to open the social doors of your life, too.
It's Friday night, and you've been invited to dinner with your girlfriend's besties (yup, women actually say "besties") for a night that has been promised to be chaotic, mental and wild. There's one other couple in the group, but they leave as soon as post-dinner drinks are mentioned.
But you're not like them, are you? It's payday and you're looking to get messy, so you get a round of shots for the group. Even though they seem to appreciate the move, not one person has left their seat all night, as the crammed dance floor heaves with excitement. At 12:30 a.m., your girlfriend asks you to leave with her, a request that is paired with a hint of a sexual favor. You leave, get a kebab and before you can even say the words “broken promises,” she's asleep and you're not.
You're Not Single Anymore
Just three months ago, you were stumbling home at 5:00 a.m. through the town center, feeling half-human, freezing your balls off with two friends who were teasing you about your lack of sexual success that night. What would that person say if he knew that, just a couple of months from now, he would be saying goodbye to post-2:00 a.m. life? That's right, he'd kill himself.But can you live both lives without compensating? Is it possible to sniff cocaine off a stripper’s nipple and then have a quiz night with red wine just 24 hours later? Absolutely not. But it's quite easy to enjoy a loving relationship that doesn't have a curfew.
How To Balance Partying And Girlfriends
The first step is realizing that the reason this hasn't happened before is completely your fault. In our own minds, we tend to think that we're at least 16 times cooler than we actually are and 50 times wilder. We think that our nights out on the town replicate what happens when you mix The Hangover, any of Jay-Z's videos and Charlie Sheen. In fact, what we actually do is drink rubbish lager, perv over the bar staff, dry hump a random girl and masturbate at home furiously with one hand while struggling to hold together the chicken burger we bought with the other. The “night out” is already implanted in our minds as an environment unsafe for a girlfriend, so that needs to stop.Another thing that needs to be controlled is being sneaky. Being sneaky is never fun, always ends in a fight and puts you at constant unease. It's important that, from day one, you set a precedent for the rest of your relationship. Meaning, don't be a dick and ensure that, in terms of your sex life, you lock that away firmly in your girlfriend's closet and leave it there. Don't text other girls you've been with, don't tempt yourself into a Facebook message exchange with someone you would happily do the no-pants dance with and leave the sex chat at home.
This may seem irrelevant and a bit extreme, but what you don't realize is that when you're out with your friends, you're in your comfort zone -- a place where nothing bothers you, and all that is on your mind is fun. The last thing you want in these situations is the addition of an ingredient that could tense you up and cut the night short. If you open up your life to someone intimately (stay with me, fellas), then you should be happy to open the social doors of your life, too.
Can You Be In A Relationship And Still Be A Party Animal? 2
More importantly, if you use your nights out to chat with women and vent
your frustration at being in a relationship, then it's probably best
you end that arrangement and grow up a little.
Also, some people do love a bit of drama, so don't fuel the fire. Some are more jealous than others, and some people will get themselves into an argument with their partner just for argument’s sake, and look back and render the whole point of the argument redundant. If you know that your better half will be annoyed if she saw you in an exchange of cheerful words with a pretty girl at the bar, then don't do it. If you know she likes to go crazy on the dance floor, then don’t be surprised when she starts to attract the attention of other men. If you know she gets horny on vodka, get her a double and hit the restroom. I'm going off track here, but the point is that it's important to know what your boundaries are and what you're dealing with. The element of surprise can only lead to disaster.
Remember that the way you use your night out plays a part, too. If you use them to vent your frustration of a busy job, then you're more likely to be annoyed if something gets in the way of your fun. More importantly, if you use your nights out to chat with women and vent your frustration at being in a relationship, then it's probably best you end that arrangement and grow up a little.
Going out on the town with your partner is simple if that's what you actually want to do. But if you're coping with the extra company rather than enjoying it, then my advice is to go it alone and cope with the strains that come with loneliness until you meet someone who you'd happily down shots of tequila with.
Also, some people do love a bit of drama, so don't fuel the fire. Some are more jealous than others, and some people will get themselves into an argument with their partner just for argument’s sake, and look back and render the whole point of the argument redundant. If you know that your better half will be annoyed if she saw you in an exchange of cheerful words with a pretty girl at the bar, then don't do it. If you know she likes to go crazy on the dance floor, then don’t be surprised when she starts to attract the attention of other men. If you know she gets horny on vodka, get her a double and hit the restroom. I'm going off track here, but the point is that it's important to know what your boundaries are and what you're dealing with. The element of surprise can only lead to disaster.
Remember that the way you use your night out plays a part, too. If you use them to vent your frustration of a busy job, then you're more likely to be annoyed if something gets in the way of your fun. More importantly, if you use your nights out to chat with women and vent your frustration at being in a relationship, then it's probably best you end that arrangement and grow up a little.
Going out on the town with your partner is simple if that's what you actually want to do. But if you're coping with the extra company rather than enjoying it, then my advice is to go it alone and cope with the strains that come with loneliness until you meet someone who you'd happily down shots of tequila with.
How To Become Confident In The Dating World
It's hard out there in the dating world. You get rejected, you get
laughed at, you get talked about behind your back. Does that make online
dating your best option? Do sites like Fling or Adult Friend Finder
actually work? We just found this post on Reddit by ProlapsedPinealand couldn't imagine giving better advice ourselves.
This post has been left unedited.
Son, if you're 23 I have some words of wisdom for you. I'm almost old enough to be your dad and my boy and I talk pretty regularly about how the world works so I hope you don't take offense to my tone, it's meant to be helpful.
You need very few things at your age to meet a wonderful woman, but it's a quest. Think of it that way. You're Link, or Luke, or some other hero of the story.
First you must unlock the mystery of self confidence. This is like pulling the sword out of the stone. Only the one true king can do it, but you just didn't know that was you the whole time because you were afraid to try.
Read. Good. Books. Not that PUA sh*t, things that actually make you a better person, not a manipulative jackass. I highly recommend Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People as well as a book called The Magic of Thinking Big [by David Schwartz]. It's been a while, but I remember those as being very helpful to me in life.
Why? Because most people are not socialized well and they are taught to believe they deserve things they don't without effort. You need to know how to be comfortable talking to people. Be genuine. Learn how to not over-share. Relax in your own skin. Be genuinely interested in what someone else has to say.
Now that you know how to communicate and you believe you can be awesome, start being awesome.
If you have problems with having a conversation with a woman, maybe you're just f*cking boring. Fix that. Change your life. Have some hobbies and passions. Work out for god's sake, make your body look good. Do you like being with attractive women? Well, make yourself attractive. Even if your face is a mess, if you take care of yourself it tells someone else "this is a guy that takes care of himself." It will help you.
Now that you're a good communicator, have healthy self esteem, and have become more physically active, we need to talk about your career.
I've had a strong six figure job and a self esteem that was sh*t and couldn't get a date. I've also been a struggling artist and had to almost literally fight dates off. The big difference was passion. It was all what was going on in my head. If you hate your job, reconsider it. Maybe you're in survival mode for money but whatever it is you choose to do, you choose it, and you make it something you can be enthusiastic about.
Mind, body, and soul is important, but the impressions are very, very important. Dress well for f*ck's sake. Everyone in a first world country can clean up. Have at least one outfit that makes you feel good. Polish your shoes, or at least clean your sneakers if that's your thing.
If you're a punk with a mohawk then there's a different but similar thing going on; it boils down to making yourself feel good about you first. If you feel good about yourself you will emanate something that is attractive. You'll be more confident, and that will lead to....
Talk to women in real life. I'm not saying that it's a catch all solution to your problem, but if your goal when talking to women online is to eventually meet them in real life, you could always cheat the system and practice talking to them in the real world, too.
Consider this: If you set up an OkCupid or whatever account, you're saying hi to a woman who has probably been hit on 30 times in the past day. If you go to a nice club, with a haircut and clean clothes and approach a woman, she may have only been talked to by a few guys in the past hour.
The real world is where it's at. Use dating sites to practice having conversations, but its a sucker's game. Go get scared, screw up, grow some confidence, and meet people in the world.
I wish you the best young man, treat her respectfully and go make the old guard proud.
Edit: If you're a virgin you're body is going to be so excited to have sex the first time you're going to be rubbish. You can't expect to be an expert at something you're just trying for the first time. Make sure you go down on her first. Don't watch porn to learn how to do this, read some of the great posts here about it. Have lots of foreplay. Practice kegel exercises. Be a repeat performer. You'll get the hang of it, but make her pleasure important to you.
This post has been left unedited.
Son, if you're 23 I have some words of wisdom for you. I'm almost old enough to be your dad and my boy and I talk pretty regularly about how the world works so I hope you don't take offense to my tone, it's meant to be helpful.
You need very few things at your age to meet a wonderful woman, but it's a quest. Think of it that way. You're Link, or Luke, or some other hero of the story.
First you must unlock the mystery of self confidence. This is like pulling the sword out of the stone. Only the one true king can do it, but you just didn't know that was you the whole time because you were afraid to try.
Read. Good. Books. Not that PUA sh*t, things that actually make you a better person, not a manipulative jackass. I highly recommend Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People as well as a book called The Magic of Thinking Big [by David Schwartz]. It's been a while, but I remember those as being very helpful to me in life.
Why? Because most people are not socialized well and they are taught to believe they deserve things they don't without effort. You need to know how to be comfortable talking to people. Be genuine. Learn how to not over-share. Relax in your own skin. Be genuinely interested in what someone else has to say.
Now that you know how to communicate and you believe you can be awesome, start being awesome.
If you have problems with having a conversation with a woman, maybe you're just f*cking boring. Fix that. Change your life. Have some hobbies and passions. Work out for god's sake, make your body look good. Do you like being with attractive women? Well, make yourself attractive. Even if your face is a mess, if you take care of yourself it tells someone else "this is a guy that takes care of himself." It will help you.
Now that you're a good communicator, have healthy self esteem, and have become more physically active, we need to talk about your career.
I've had a strong six figure job and a self esteem that was sh*t and couldn't get a date. I've also been a struggling artist and had to almost literally fight dates off. The big difference was passion. It was all what was going on in my head. If you hate your job, reconsider it. Maybe you're in survival mode for money but whatever it is you choose to do, you choose it, and you make it something you can be enthusiastic about.
Mind, body, and soul is important, but the impressions are very, very important. Dress well for f*ck's sake. Everyone in a first world country can clean up. Have at least one outfit that makes you feel good. Polish your shoes, or at least clean your sneakers if that's your thing.
If you're a punk with a mohawk then there's a different but similar thing going on; it boils down to making yourself feel good about you first. If you feel good about yourself you will emanate something that is attractive. You'll be more confident, and that will lead to....
Talk to women in real life. I'm not saying that it's a catch all solution to your problem, but if your goal when talking to women online is to eventually meet them in real life, you could always cheat the system and practice talking to them in the real world, too.
Consider this: If you set up an OkCupid or whatever account, you're saying hi to a woman who has probably been hit on 30 times in the past day. If you go to a nice club, with a haircut and clean clothes and approach a woman, she may have only been talked to by a few guys in the past hour.
The real world is where it's at. Use dating sites to practice having conversations, but its a sucker's game. Go get scared, screw up, grow some confidence, and meet people in the world.
I wish you the best young man, treat her respectfully and go make the old guard proud.
Edit: If you're a virgin you're body is going to be so excited to have sex the first time you're going to be rubbish. You can't expect to be an expert at something you're just trying for the first time. Make sure you go down on her first. Don't watch porn to learn how to do this, read some of the great posts here about it. Have lots of foreplay. Practice kegel exercises. Be a repeat performer. You'll get the hang of it, but make her pleasure important to you.
Why Men Date "Difficult Women" 2
If the messy woman is your jam, there’s a strong possibility that you
feel kind of chaotic inside but can’t allow yourself to acknowledge
that.
I’m suggesting that you start paying way more attention to those mechanics. And if you stick with it, even just a little while, I can promise you something amazing will happen. As you begin to see that women aren’t really the “other” -- they’re just you, except the flip side -- you’ll stop running around selfishly taking an up-or-down, hot-or-not vote on every woman you date. You’ll become curious about who they are as human beings and what that might reflect back on you. And you'll realize the other surprising secret about difficult women: They’re only really looking for their match.
The Mess
What makes her attractive: She’s often charmingly childlike and adorable, and unlike a lot of other women, she really needs you. And that feels good. What’s underneath that: She’s in trouble. She’s an alcoholic, she’s in debt, she’s bananas, or she’s got daddy issues the size of Montana. What dating her says about you: Whatever she’s got going on, you imagine you’re going to fix it, and that makes you feel powerful. And women who can take care of themselves don’t make you feel like that. If the messy woman is your jam, there’s a strong possibility that you feel kind of chaotic inside but can’t allow yourself to acknowledge that -- it would be too embarrassing (even to yourself) -- so instead you find a messy girl and try to clean her up. Either that, or your mom was a disaster. Either way, therapy would be a really good thing for you.The Liar
What makes her attractive: She wants to have sex with you on a regular basis and keep it casual. What’s underneath that: She swears she only wants to be friends with benefits, but she’s kidding herself. In three weeks, she’s going to be demanding to know why you refuse to commit. What dating her says about you: There’s only one way a woman -- or anyone -- can successfully lie to you, and that’s if you’re lying to yourself. Usually, you know all along if a woman is really the type who can have sex casually. At least if you’re over, say, age 25. But she was there, she was cute and you wanted to believe her, so you went along with it. And now you have to deal with the fact that she’s upset you don’t want more. The bottom line here is that when you get real with yourself, everyone who isn’t being real with you will instantly bail out of your life. Which is precisely what you’re afraid of -- that if you're honest about what you want, people will bail.What Do You Do With This Knowledge?
This is a short list, but you get the idea. So what do you do? Start approaching every date you go on, every chick you find yourself involved with and every old girlfriend you’ve ever had as embodying some aspect of yourself you need to deal with.I’m suggesting that you start paying way more attention to those mechanics. And if you stick with it, even just a little while, I can promise you something amazing will happen. As you begin to see that women aren’t really the “other” -- they’re just you, except the flip side -- you’ll stop running around selfishly taking an up-or-down, hot-or-not vote on every woman you date. You’ll become curious about who they are as human beings and what that might reflect back on you. And you'll realize the other surprising secret about difficult women: They’re only really looking for their match.
Why Men Date "Difficult Women"
You can be attracted to the bitch because she expresses the anger you
can’t, won’t or don’t allow yourself to express -- which often means you're “a nice guy.”
God knows there are difficult women out there. Women who are -- at times -- shallow, bitchy, selfish, dishonest and, of course, crazy. But what I’m here to say is this: Your problem is not that these women exist; your problem is that you’re trying to date them.
Wait. I hear you protesting. You are right now saying to your computer screen: That’s the surprising secret about difficult women? But, but, but… all women are like that!
Actually, things are more complex than that. Because, while it may be true that every woman has her something, we don’t all have the same something. Right? So, why, if you’re like most guys, do you find yourself dealing with one or two of the same somethings over and over again? Even when you specifically go looking for someone completely different from the last chick who caused you so much grief, how is it that, lo and behold, here you are, one year later, putting a new password on your phone, again?
I’ll tell you how.
Because it’s not that bitches is crazy. It’s that you got a thing for bitches… who is crazy. This is also known as having a “type.” But where we generally think of having a type as, say, liking redheads or being an “ass man,” what most people really have is an energetic type. Someone who acts (and reacts) in ways that we mostly enjoy, until we realize that what we’re attracted to is just the exterior, hiding the other quality which, it turns out, bugs the sh*t out of us. And the deal is this -- that other quality? It matches something inside you. So let’s look at some common archetypes and what they might correspond to in yourself.
God knows there are difficult women out there. Women who are -- at times -- shallow, bitchy, selfish, dishonest and, of course, crazy. But what I’m here to say is this: Your problem is not that these women exist; your problem is that you’re trying to date them.
Wait. I hear you protesting. You are right now saying to your computer screen: That’s the surprising secret about difficult women? But, but, but… all women are like that!
Actually, things are more complex than that. Because, while it may be true that every woman has her something, we don’t all have the same something. Right? So, why, if you’re like most guys, do you find yourself dealing with one or two of the same somethings over and over again? Even when you specifically go looking for someone completely different from the last chick who caused you so much grief, how is it that, lo and behold, here you are, one year later, putting a new password on your phone, again?
I’ll tell you how.
Because it’s not that bitches is crazy. It’s that you got a thing for bitches… who is crazy. This is also known as having a “type.” But where we generally think of having a type as, say, liking redheads or being an “ass man,” what most people really have is an energetic type. Someone who acts (and reacts) in ways that we mostly enjoy, until we realize that what we’re attracted to is just the exterior, hiding the other quality which, it turns out, bugs the sh*t out of us. And the deal is this -- that other quality? It matches something inside you. So let’s look at some common archetypes and what they might correspond to in yourself.
The Bitch
What makes her attractive: She’s a go-getter. She’s sassy. She’s a challenge. And, often, she makes money. What’s underneath that: The bitch is all about anger. Often, she’s been hurt out there in the world and she’s developed a tough exterior -- and sometimes interior -- to protect herself. What dating her says about you: There are two ways this can go. You can be attracted to the bitch because she expresses the anger you can’t, won’t or don’t allow yourself to express -- which often means you're “a nice guy.” Or she just reflects (and usually amplifies) your own anger back to you. If you’re the kind of guy who’s known for knock-down drag-outs with his girlfriends, or maybe gets into a bar fight every once in a while, this is definitely you.The Sexpot
What makes her attractive: Duh. She’s hot. And she’s willing. What’s underneath that: A woman who knows how hot she is and has spent most of her life and relationships controlling men with her sexuality. What dating her says about you: I know all men are attracted to “hot,” available women. But only a specific kind of guy is actually trying to get into a relationship with a woman who wears Lucite heels -- or just vibes likes she’s wearing them. If you’re the guy who just can’t get interested in a girl who couldn’t pass for a porn star, you might have an issue with addictive sex. You know how normal drinkers just have wine with dinner while the addicts are in the bathroom doing blow? When it comes to sex, that’s you. You need to get high. Off sex. You know you’re this guy if sometimes you just wish you could be the kind of guy who could settle down with a “regular” woman and get it over with -- but you know deep down, you just can’t.The Gold Digger
What makes her attractive: She’s a trophy. Incredibly well put together, she’s the kind of girl who, when you’re with her, makes you wish you could run into your ex. What’s underneath that: The gold digger thinks like an asset manager -- how can she use what you want to get what she wants. What dating her says about you: If you’re attracted to trophy wife material, you go for only eights, nines or tens. You’re most likely also a “King of the World” type who believes all women are just out for (your) money. If this is you, women are just another resource to be mined or commodity to be traded. So it makes sense that you attract (and are attracted to) women who leverage their own assets in the hopes they’ll be able to exploit yours. The beauty of this relationship is that you can both be sure you’ll get what you really deserve: each other.
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